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Y'all know when you try to explain a situation and then all of a sudden you're choking on your tears? Yeah... that use to be me, it use to hurt talking about this man so fucking much. I met my first love Rayshawn in 2015, I was 15 years old and he was 14. Babies right? lol I swear nobody couldn't tell us we weren't inlove. This man use to walk in cold ass weather to come see me okayyyyyy, lol that's when I knew for sure he loved me , my mom was strict as fuckkkk , it was super annoying at the time cause I was in the time of my life were I was starting to date , also my hormones was kicking in , boobs was growing , coochi started to grow a lil hair , yall I was turning into a young lady , Everybody grow up different Rayshawn was more experience then I was with life/sex etc.... I just became in stage one to fingering , and giving hickies , like this boy use to tare my neck the fuck up , my whole neck was covered with hickies , lip was swollen like a bitch , THAT NIGGA USE TO EAT ME UPPPPP , I was about to have a heart attack trying to figure out ways to hide it from my moms , she only caught me with one hickey from him , lmfao she was soooo fucking mad talking about "he can't come back over" , GIRL PLEASEEEEE cause he definitely was coming back over AND DIDDDDDDDD. I still had my virginity , I didn't lose it until I was bout 17 , but what's weird before I had my first penis my first love was the first to finger me at 15 and he popped my cherry while doing the shit, lmfao crazy right? Me and him talk about that shit all the time, we loved getting together while cuddled up in bed to talk about our memories from the funny stories to the ones that hurt me the most .. before I get to speaking I forgave this man, it took a lot for me too but I didn't ..........Apparently at the time I wasn't the only girl he was seeing , and I found this out around Christmas time well maybe a little bit after Christmas because he came over one day to give me my Christmas gifts , he was the first to ever get me a MK wallet and some Jordans , I love that boy so much its been years and I still got everything . But back to his cheating ass.... Mind y'all I'm finding all of this out at 15, I'm crying and crying and crying cause not only that I found out he cheated but the bitch got pregnant too... the only thing I remember is him coming over and my ass crying on his shoulder . DUMB BITCH right? me crying on this nigga shoulder when I should've turned his ass every way but loose ...but I was kid what could I had really done? I was still playing with my damn barbie dolls , yes bitch I was 15 still playing with my dolls ... I was not out here getting fucked at 13,14,15 or 16... I couldn't give him no pussy so he got it somewhere else . I didn't fuck my first love til after high school literally Aug 4th,2018 would never forget the date , we took a lil picture that same day, lmfao I be looking at it like "HE FUCKED ME SO GOOD THAT DAY" . and I had some cute lil lemonade braids my sister Jolesha had done them, but that was the same day me and my first love reunited , mind y'all we do this EVERY FUCKING YEAR... we've been doing it for the past 9 years to the point where sometimes its draining , yeah I know y'all probably thinking " bitch he had a baby on you" yes , yes he did , but I had to think dude was a baby too ... and like I said he grew up faster than me , yes I still cry sometimes because like ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS , we'll talk about it a million times and he would always tell me he's sorry for it, our last talk I finally forgave him. I kept holding on for yearssssss thinking we'll be more to eachother than each others first love , me and rayshawn TRIED, AND TRIED AND TRIED ....and honestly I can say we're better off as best of friends then us being in a relationship. He's the true definition of a fucking gemini , stubborn, and turn into a different mf, somedays I would hate waking up cause I gotta see if I'm getting "rayshawn" or "rocky" .But besides all the bad its more good too it , one thing for sure two thing fasho he gone always make sure I'm straight , and that's what I love about him the most , the soft spot he has for me is everything . Im talking about if I was locked up and if I called him he coming , I'm talking about if I'm stranded on the side of the road HE'S COMING . I remember when I was in cuffs for the first time lmfaoooo y'all I was with his ass man, I was living in Owasso and him and his mom came and got me, y'all we was almost out of Owasso and boom got pulled over , now we all in cuffs , he just kept saying " baby , I'm sorry" i don't know but he always made me feel secure when Im always in his presence , aint gone lie the cops took them both to jail and took me back home , y'all my ass was working at Wendy's at the time I was putting In so much overtime I was gone go get my mannnnnnnnnnn, I tatted his name on me in 2018 y'all why my dumb ass get it covered cause he had me fucked up , we was arguing over something , I don't remember but he had me fucked up, he was SICKKKKKK when I got it covered up, I got his name again in 2022 lmfaooooo man idk that man always did something to me, I think its more of our history and bond that I'm holding onto but also his name was never suppose to been covered it was out of anger.... but I'm starting to realize a lot of shit is becoming unhealthy because we go through the same repeated cycle , and like I said we do this EVERY year , we'll fw each other then stop fw each other then resume on where we left off....I keep telling myself I'm ready to let go, but I don't know if its a mind vs heart thing, that boy is all I've ever known , and its not for y'all to understand , cause only me and him would understand ... it maybe love .... or it might be lust .. all I know is that the love we got for eachother is real .... one day ill be done watering a dead plant , it's not like ill lose him forever right? cause he'll always be around .... but I do think I am ready to let go physically and emotionally like I don't want the extras to come with us anymore? I feel like If I don't step up and put an end to it then it would never happen , cause y'all know how niggas is? they like to have their cake and eat it too.... I mean he'll always be my dawg and I'll always love him like reallll bad, but I gotta choose me first right? smh smh ....the things a girl heart go through. I know how to stop fw a nigga , ask him ... he know cause he got that treatment before .I could go ON and ON and ON about out ups and downs cause this isn't the half but no matter what happens between us I hope he blossom into the man that he was destine to become, and God I ask you to continue to wrap your arms around him and protect him from harm or any type of evil cause Lord knows ill crash out behind him, Dear God I ask you to open that door for him that leads him into success and greatness,I believe in that boy more than he believes in himself, Dear God heal him in places that he doesn't speak about , forever wrap your arms around my favorite person . AMEN
