I've finally gotten Jess and Bella settled enough to sleep for the night. Mick, John, Julie, and Lynn convince me to go back home for the night. To take some time for myself to work out my feelings. I just never thought that this was how today would go. Was I wrong for keeping the kids from Lindsey? Probably. I was only doing what I thought was best. I think back to that time, to my mindset. I had decided not to tell him because I didn't want him to stay because I was pregnant. It was only partially that. I was afraid that if he did stay he would resent me and our children for tying him down. I was even more afraid that he would want nothing to do with them. I was a complete mess of emotions and the only thing I could think to do was just to get away. It was a long and extremely lonely pregnancy. My life brightened when I gave birth to our beautiful son and daughter. They completely changed my life and I found so much joy in them. I had decided to tell him, thinking that I could not keep them away from him. We had created these two amazing little babies together and I wanted him to see the miracle that they were. That was until Mick told me that Lindsey had gotten married to that girl. That his wife was having a baby of their own. I completely lost it. I had never imagined this happening, but I knew that if I loved him as truly as I thought I did, I wouldn't interrupt his new life. I would be an amazing parent to our children and they would never feel like they were missing anything. And I really don't think that they have. Maybe they're not old enough yet, but they've never once asked me about a father. They've always seemed to be the happiest children and I do everything I can every single day to make sure of that. But I don't think I would have ever survived without Mick and John. Sometimes I felt like I just couldn't keep going. They were there for my darkest moments and helped me through them. They were my shoulders to cry on and they were so wonderful with Jess and Bella and the kids truly loved them. I knew I would always owe them an eternal debt. I felt horribly guilty that they were right in the middle of my mess.
I poured myself a large glass of wine, trying to calm my nerves. It had been such an awful day and knowing that Lindsey was around here somewhere just put me on edge. I turned on the radio and turned on the radio, trying to calm myself. God, how I missed this. Raising Bella and Jess full time was completely worth it. I didn't and still don't think that I can be everything that they need and tour. Maybe one day, but not yet and especially not after this all had just happened. I understand that Lindsey is confused and upset with me and wants to know our children but how could he have thought that was the best way to handle it? I just don't understand him sometimes.
Oh Lindsey. Why do you have to do the things that you do? Sometimes, I wonder if he regrets meeting her. That he would do the same thing could he have done it all over again. I should be over it all by now, but I'm not. One thing I never thought Lindsey Buckingham would be was a cheater. An asshole? Insanely jealous? Definitely yes. A cheater? No. I always wondered what she had that I didn't. After meeting her I deduced that we had to be complete opposites and maybe that was the reason. The thing I know for sure was that I absolutely detest her. How ironic that someone that I can't stand would be the hope that I'm hinged upon. I'm completely betting on her preventing Lindsey from taking my children. There is no way in hell that she is going to want them around. Now, I just need Lindsey to listen to his wife. Oh who am I kidding, that's a fat chance. She didn't seem like she could get much of anything from Lindsey besides pregnant. Stop it Stevie! It's not going to help anyone now.
"Stevie?" I hear from the bottom of the stairs. You have got to be fucking kidding me right now. I throw my robe on and stomp angrily to let him know that I am pissed that he just came into my house.
"What the fuck are you doing Lindsey? You can't just let yourself into my home! Especially not after everything that happened today!" I yell at him.
