The only way to describe the atmosphere so far is awkward. To both of their credit, Lindsey and John both have been extremely civil, but no one is comfortable. I'm in the kitchen cleaning up and they're both watching me, taking their cues from me.
"I'm going to have to leave soon Stevie. My flight is at 2:00." John tells me and I can't help but be relieved. I love having him around, but this time is supposed to be about Lindsey and the kids. We don't need any other strain.
"Oh, yes, I had completely forgotten. I hope you'll have a wonderful time." I say and he smiles at me.
"I'm sure it will be great. You'll be back from Phoenix when?"
"We fly back on the 27th. It's going to be a tough one but somehow, we'll manage." I tell him and try to fight back the tears I feel. It's going to be our first Christmas without Daddy and I'm really dreading it. I miss him so much.
"I'm sorry, darling. I wish I was going to be there with you." he tells me and presses a kiss into my hair.
"I know, but you need to be with Molly. I'll be fine." I tell him. He says goodbye to Lindsey and I walk him out.
"I'm going to miss you." he tells me and I can't help but think about how sweet he is to me. I really don't deserve someone like John in my life, but somehow he wants to be here.
"I'll miss you, too. It won't be for long though." I say and he engages me in a kiss. It almost seems desperate and I can't really say why. He smiles down at me sadly and I brush his cheek with the back of my hand. He gives me one last peck and I watch him walk to his car, giving him a wave as he pulls out of the driveway. I heave a sigh of relief and go back inside.
Lindsey's waiting for me and I make us both a drink and lead him out to the patio.
"What's going on at home?" he asks me and I realize that he doesn't know about Daddy.
"It's um, it's our first Christmas without Daddy." I say and I can't stop the tears that stream down my face. He pulls me into his arms and before long I can feel wetness on my shoulder and I know he's crying, too.
"I'm so sorry Stevie. I didn't know." he cries and it's my turn to comfort him. He presses our foreheads together, the action so familiar, he used to do this to try to comfort me, to show me he was right there with me. I pull back, the intimacy of the moment is getting to be too much and I'm not sure if I can handle much else. He dries his eyes and I watch him struggle with what to say.
"I'm trying to do the right thing here Stevie, but I'm not sure what that is anymore." he confesses and I'm speechless for a moment, trying to figure out how to respond.
"We have to focus on our children Lindsey. They're my only priority. We have shared so much in our lives but they are the most important now. Can you understand what I'm saying?" I say as gently as I can. I don't want to hurt Lindsey, but I can't give him what he wants from me.
"I know Stevie, I really do. I just see you with them and it feels like home. And then I see you with him and I know I have no right, but when I see him even touch you I feel like I can't breathe. Can you understand what I'm saying?" he repeats my words back to me and I know exactly how he feels.
"Probably better than anyone else could, Lindsey." I tell him and give him a sad smile. I hate that this is something we share as well. "But John has been there with me for more than I can ever say. I can't hurt him like that Lindsey." He looks devastated and then determined.
"Do you love him?"
"Of course I do."
"I asked the wrong thing. Are you in love with him?" he asks and I hesitate. I know how to answer this but I don't want to say it out loud.
"I don't know. It's complicated." is the only answer I can give him. He smiles smugly and I know he can read between my lines.
"That's all I needed to know." he tells me and stands up and goes back into the house.
The rest of the day goes by flawlessly and I finally get the kids to sleep, thankfully. This day has been exhausting to me and I am so ready for bed, but I can't get my mind to shut down. I sneak back downstairs and turn up the air conditioner and light the fireplace. I settle into the couch with a large glass of wine and my cashmere blanket and lay my head back, willing myself not to think about anything. I feel a weight beside me on the couch and open my eyes to see Lindsey sitting next to me.
"I guarantee you are the only person who turns down the air conditioner son you can light a fire and get under a blanket." he tells me laughing.
"It's relaxing to me." I defend myself.
"I know, I know. I just think it's funny." he tells me. I lean forward to refill my glass of wine and I feel his fingers tracing lines of my exposed skin.
"Stop it Lindsey. I know they're there and they're awful." I saw, knowing he's seen my stretch marks on my sides.
"Stop. It's the only thing on you that I can tell you've been pregnant. You're beautiful, every single part of you." I look up at him and he's staring into my eyes. Before I know it his lips touch mine and oh, it feels so good. So familiar. I had forgotten how amazing kissing him could be. I feel his hand start to travel up my nightgown and I know I should stop him but I can't. I shudder under his touch and a moan escapes my lips as he moves down my neck. He lifts my body up and pulls my nightgown over my head and stares down at my body. I feel slightly self conscious but I know I look great right now. I haven't been this thin in years and I have worked very hard to be. He starts to take off his shirt and I know I should stop him now but I don't. I want this, want him. I've been holding in a lot when it comes to Lindsey and when he joins us, it all comes out. I try to stifle a scream, he knows my body so well and exactly what I need from him. He knows I'm close and moves faster and takes me to heights I haven't been to in so long. We finally come down and he breathes heavily on me.
"I love you Stevie. I love you so much."
"I love you, too." I reply and start to cry. What we just did was beautiful, but I lost my head. I'm so afraid that for these moments of ecstasy, I could have really hurt a lot of people, myself included.
