Paradox of Love

Let's get this started

For as long as I could remember I wanted to become an actress. At least in the back of my mind that is. I never thought it was possible, well people told me it wasn't. Just a little dream that would die like so many others. You know how some kids say 'when I grow up I wanna be...'. Whether that be the stereotypical things like an astronaut, a doctor, or a firefighter. I grew up wanting to help people. I didn't know how I was going to do it, but I knew that's what my goal was. 

So I said I'd become a nurse at first and I stuck with that. Until I got into theatre and things started to change. I started to see that this could be more than a hobby or a party trick to make people laugh. Still there was my family, telling me it was just a passing phase. Much like me being gay, which obviously wasn't true either. Despite my strong beliefs I tried to find alternatives, I thought I could be a doctor. Then I thought I might be a therapist since that was the most practical option considering my desire to help. 

I enrolled in a nursing class, I figured I like science and it would up my gpa a lot if I passed since it was a career class. I finished and passed with flying colors, got my certification and everything, but I wasn't happy. I couldn't help but feeling like something was missing. Every time these thoughts would cross my mind there would be a little whisper, reminding me of acting and how much I loved it. No matter what was going on in my life, I felt safe there. Happy. I could walk into a theatre and forget myself. Regardless of if it was by being immersed in a role, trying to be invisible as a stagehand, or putting my focus into getting the lighting perfect.

My worries seemed to vanish when I stepped onto that stage or in the booth, even just the atmosphere of the auditorium itself. Still, I pushed it away and told myself to forget it, but it ate at me. I had to do something about it or I was going to drive myself mad. So I saved up some money and started forming a plan. I worked job after job, quitting once I couldn't take it anymore. It seemed stupid to everyone around me but I didn't care because I knew it was temporary. Finally I had a solid plan and a budget, it was exhausting saving up all the money. Not necessarily because of the physical work but the mental commitment. 

Having to push through and remind myself that this is all for a reason. Especially when almost everyone around me wasn't being the most supportive. However, it was all worth it! I saved up enough money and found an apartment within my budget. With a little extra that would be sufficient for a few months worth of rent and food of course. I figured I wouldn't be leaving the house much except for auditions. After all I'm not rich and I would need to save as much money as possible in case something unexpected happens. Anyways, I've bought my ticket, double and triple checked on the apartment, and I'm set to go. 

I'm not taking much with me, just what I can carry basically. I'll have all my essentials so I think I'm pretty prepared. Either way I need a good nights rest to deal with everything for tomorrow so with that in mind I'm going to sleep.