Paradox of Love

What is that?

It's been a few weeks of filming and I've actually gotten the hang of it. The projected end of filming is about 2 months from now if we don't experience any hiccups. I'm good with whatever though because I've been staying with Lou and she keeps me pretty entertained. We're in the middle of filming an intense scene between our characters. Lou's character, Mary, has just found out that Greta, my character, isn't who she claimed to be. They're basically having a heated argument about how Greta is in love with her and Mary telling her that she can't possibly be. So they go back and forth until, ultimately, Greta breaks down and threatens her.

My anxiety is at a 10, not even because of the pressure, it's just that Greta is so mentally unstable. Given that I'm not that stable myself, it's difficult. I genuinely feel like I'm myself but multiplied by 100. I'm rethinking my decision to take a role so close to home but then again I didn't know. I mean I'm pretending and I know that but my body disagrees with me. "Cut" someone yells, "what's that noise?" I ask Mike, he's one of the guys on lights, "I don't hear anything" he says not really paying attention. I know there's a noise, I'm not crazy, so I go over to Sarah, she's on sound, I also feel like because she's a woman she might... I don't even know at this point I just want it to stop.

"Sarah" I say and she turns to me with a confused smile, "there's this incessant sound that is aggravating the shit outta me. I don't know if you can make it stop but if not I just need to know what it is" I explain and she looks at me oddly but I don't even care at the moment. She looks around and listens out but shakes her head, "I don't hear anything, other than people talking" she says without care and I turn away from her. I closes my eyes and take deep breaths. I should probably explain that I have sensitivity to sounds, it just overwhelms me. I can't seem to properly calm myself despite my strenuous efforts.

I feel someone take my arm and I look up to see Lou who looks determined if you ask me. She pulls me over to a quiet room and I sigh leaning against the wall feeling like I can finally breathe. She rubs my arms up and down slowly as she stands in front of me, once I open my eyes I see her smiling at me and I just pout. "What's up, darling?" she asks me and I roll my eyes while shrugging, "don't do that. tell me" she demands softly. "There's this fucking noise that just won't stop and I asked some people about it but they don't hear it. It's like I'm losing my mind or something" I say tearing up.

"Hey, hey, it's ok. What does it sound like?" she asks pulling me in her arms which instantly soothes me. "It's like buzzing but also humming and it's really soft so I can't really hear it whenever we're speaking but when it goes quiet it's so loud. Like a bee or a mosquito or something" the more I talk to more I realize that she'll probably think I'm insane. "Like the... bzzzmmm-bzzzmmm" she says after a few seconds of silence. "YES good god that shit is annoying" I say feeling relieved that she even listened to me.

"That's the camera. It's an older model so it still has a... rolling sound. When they turn it on it sounds kinda like roaring, electric but still, and then it hums louder when it's idle" she explains and I sigh softly. "Thank you" I say, "I feel like I'm saying that to you a lot" I giggle, "eh, a little bit" she says leaning back and gesturing with her hand. "Better?" she asks holding my head to her chest, "always" I reply, knowing she'll get what I mean. "How about we wrap for the day? Go home and just relax" she suggest and I shake my head, "what'd I tell you?" she asks and raises an eyebrow waiting for me to say it.

"To use my words?" I say innocently, and she chuckles shaking her head, "that too" she says smirking. She leaves me for a moment to let Todd know we're done for the day. Then we get dolled down and she takes us home.