Lucid

Chapter 26 (M)

CAUTION- Intense. Very intense. Skip to the next large gap if you can't handle that.

Elsewise, be ready.

I slowly come to my senses, and the first thing I feel is the warmth. The comforting blanket lying over me, the soft breeze outside, the soft sunlight outside. The rustling branches, and soft whispering of animals. The laughter in the background, and the soft footsteps of loved ones. I don't even need to see to know that I know this place. Opening my eyes, I see the inside of a tent. I know this tent. I know those laughs. I know the breeze, the animals, I know it all.
"Y/N! Come out, sleepy!" I can hear my mother call. I know who's out there, both of them. A hundred years can't erase those memories, and they haven't. That's why the tent is familiar- I've woken in it before. But this isn't how things happened. They weren't here with me that day. I stayed behind, and that's where it went wrong. I find I'm standing now, against the door of the tent, grasping the opener.
"Y/N? Are you alright?" And there it is. Cirrana's voice, so soft but strong. My Cirrana. I don't know how many times I've had this same dream, the same day, the same moments. Every day, the same question- what if I go? What if I change something. What if one thing, one chance, something I do will change what happened, and give them back to me. But I know better now. I let go of the opener, and lean my head softly against the door. "Y/N? Are you there?" I hear Cirrana ask, the slightest hint of worry in her voice. I can't do anything but shake my head. The slightest further bit may break me down again. "I miss you. Why won't you come out?" It's tempting. The slightest chance to see her smile, hold her hand, pull her close. But I know it won't happen. I know how it will end, because I know how it ended. A gentle tap, just like her. Everything is like she used to be. I can almost smell her, just like she used to smell, even through the door. Every memory, engraved forever. But she walks away, and even though I know it ends like this, I can't help but open the door. The same again, over and over. Stepping out into the light, I see their backs, both facing away from me. My mother, and my Cirrana, just out of my reach. But my feet are rooted to the floor, and the falling end is coming. A silent testament to my failure, the truest part of the day's ending. The bombardment strikes without hesitation, my mother seeming to explode on the spot, Cirrana eviscerated by shrapnel and flame. And all I can do is watch them die again, as I wait for it to take me as well.
POV: Fixer (Y/N)
I sit up in bed abruptly, heart pounding. The same nightmare again. It doesn't change much. I recognize it now. But it still hurts, only a bit less than it did then. Looking down at my hands, I'm already gripping the combat knife from under my pillow. I lean back and put it underneath again, before tossing off the blanket. I get out of bed and walk to the door, returning to the same heartless reality. In the real world, I wasn't even there with them when they died. I was too far to save them, or anyone else. They died, I survived. At least in the dream, we all went together. Shutting the door to my bedroom behind me, I whispers to myself,
"If only."

——end of intense part————-

Flashback- Last Night, where chapter 25 left off.

POV:Liz

I'm standing in the kitchen. Fixer is with Rei and Yujin, relaxing on the couch. I listen in, because although I don't entirely trust him, I am interested to know more about him.
"So, what kind of foods do you like?" Yujin asks.
"Oh, I'll eat almost anything. But if I had pick a favorite, I think the pizza they make in Chicago is some of my favorite. It's just exquisite." She nods.
"What about your favorite color?" He looks at Rei, then looks down at his clothes, which are all black, then looks back at her.
"Guess." He says, sounding sarcastic. She giggles, and he laughs as well.
"What about... favorite season?"
"Has to be winter. I prefer wearing layers over sweating."
"How did your mother die?"

Hearing this, I drop the spoon I was holding. Hyunseo is standing in her doorway, and everyone else is staring at her. Liz and Rei and I are all aghast. Wonyoung had mentioned that his mother must have passed away, but I wasn't going to ask about it. I guess she didn't catch onto that. Y/N just stares at her, probably taken aback. "Should I not have said that?" I nod.
"It's fine." He says, cutting in. "I understand you would be curious about it. But it's not a story you would want to hear, Leeseo." Everyone nods. He stands up, and turns to the door. "I should be going. Let's talk another time." Nobody really cuts in, and he walks out the door silently.
"Why did you say that?" Rei turns and hisses at Hyunseo.
"I just..." she stops, and looks at her feet. Clearly she feels guilty. I shouldn't push her more, she just made a mistake. I put down my tea and walk over to her, and put an arm around her.
"You just need to remember to think about how someone will feel when you ask them questions. He was probably hurt when you asked, because it's a painful memory for him." She nods.
"I'm sorry." She starts to sniffle slightly, but I pull her into a hug to try and stop her from crying.
"Hey, you don't need to apologize to me. Next time you see him, apologize, I'm sure he'll forgive you." She leans against me, and stops sniffling after a minute. Liz and Rei talk quietly to each other. Gaeul finally comes out of her room, and slips past me.
"What happened?" She asks, after a little while.
"He left. Hyunseo asked about his mom, and he decided not to answer. He doesn't seem that mad though." She nods quietly, then walks over to Liz and Yujin and sits down.
"Did you have fun?" They both say,
"Yeah."
"Yes." With varying levels of confusion.
"I was listening in." She admits.
"Ohhhhhh" comes from the other 5 girls in the room. I just now notice that Wonyoung is standing in her room's doorway. Wonder how long she's been there.
"So, why didn't you join in?" She shrugs her shoulders.
"I didn't feel like it." That sounds like a coverup but I don't want to pry, so I let it slide.
"You should talk to him more. I don't see why you dislike him." Rei says. She's always very outspoken about liking Y/N I've noticed, but she is brave sometimes so it makes sense. Gaeul nods her head.
"Maybe I will. But if everybody is all friendly with him, how do we know if we can trust him?" Gaeul says, seeming sort of sad about it.
"We just have to trust, and believe. Have a little hope, you know?" Yujin responds, and Rei agrees.
"We'll see." Rei seems dissatisfied about it.
"I just don't understand why you hold yourself back so much." Says Rei, and Gaeul walks back towards her room.
"You will one day."

A/N- so, I'll put a quick explanation of what happened in the intense part in case you didn't read it.

So, Y/N's dead mom and his dead girlfriend/love, both died at the same time, and he didn't. He was nearby, but wasn't with them. He feels survivor's guilt. He missed them terribly. He also has recurring nightmares about it. Oh and they got blown up? Idk he called a bombardment. Oh also he was camping at the time.