Limerence. (Phan Au)

Day 5: So yes, hello. I am Phil, Philip Lester. ( 3)

Phil.

"Jesus Cassie, you were so right about him being fit"
"I wouldn't lie would I? Wonder what he's hiding under
those jeans!"
"Either a knife, or something else I would gladly let him stick in me"
"Kat! Don't say tha- sh, sh. Shit! Shut up would you, I think he's waking up"

They're the same wherever I go.

"Jesus Cass, I'd do him religiously, and I'm not even Christian!"

Kat was my favourite, obviously.

Although I'd never spoken to her, let alone looked at her.

I hadn't opened my eyes here yet.

3 hospitals in the past year and they're all the same.

Same compliments, same girls.

Same, stupid. Fucking. Girls.

Sure, they'd be fun for a while, but not to me.

Girls weren't all they were cracked up to be.

Most of the ones I've fucked during the time I've been on this earth have been the same.

Snotty, bitchy, bratty, caked with makeup, slutty, clingy, pungent with perfume.

Cheap.

They literally threw themselves at me.

But females weren't my preferred preference

Well, Not all of them. But that's along the lines.

"Jeez Phil, three hospitals?" You ask, "You must have done some pretty well fucked up shit".

Well that's the truth, because you see well, my mind. It's not exactly a "healthy place" if you'd want to call it that.

11 I'd stabbed a kid with a pencil in the back of the neck because he'd called me a "faggot emo" for wearing my Doc Martens with yellow laces.

I mean, come on.

Emo's don't put that much effort into their shoes, they're too busy caring about their hair and listening to bands they'll hate in a year.

Anyways,

I then proceeded to, well, over the years adapt a certain anger.

I'm a very hostile person. There's no passive aggressive because from where I stand it's just borderline aggressive.

My parents fucking detest me.

I wouldn't blame them. Having to be constantly in and out of offices your entire adult life for your unruly and very "Naughty" teenage boy.

14 I'd gotten suspended from school for making out with an apparently unwilling boy from my form.

The principle really hated that, considering he was a misogynistic, homophobic, sexist ass-hat.

And let's just say, Elliot Ocosta was not unwilling in the slightest, if the teacher hadn't caught us we'd probably have done a little more than kissing.

After that I kind of quit school.

I mean, I read a lot back then. I knew a lot. I still do. But school just wasn't, well, isn't my forte.

It's not exactly my fault. I mean, who actually wants to wake up early and digest knowledge that goes straight through one ear and straight back out the other?

No one.

I was just one of the people that refused to deal with it.

Kids at my school (it being a prestigious college for well rounded, well-educated teens from the ages 14-18) were pretentious, bigoted snobs with their fathers credit card and their mothers cheek kisses shoved so far up their asses I doubt either had ever seen the light of day.

My parents wanted perfect, and I suppose that's what they would've gotten if my mum hadn't cheated.

I mean, if I were dating my dad. I'd cheat on him, he's an ugly fucking twat.

And all of that rubbed off on me, apparently despite the ugly bit.

Everyone called me "The dark horse" but no one ever really got to know me, not even my parents.

I'm not actually a fucking masochist. I mean, well. In technical terms I should be considered that but we're just going to skip technical today.

I'm not uneducated, despite my lack of education.

I got words from books, I got math from my day job and I got art from my mind.

All things considered, I'm still in the loony bin.

No one cares enough to know what to do with me anymore, and I don't really find that saddening. Just disappointing.

Psychotic depression, Major depressive disorder, bipolar.

All those big words for one six foot two boy with a broken frame of mind and less of a care in the world than anyone ever had given.

So yes, hello. I am Phil, Philip Lester, I'm old enough to be considered a young adult and a teenager at the same time, I rarely sleep, or, you know. Do anything.

And you're about to hear the tail of my ultimate demise,
Meeting Dan Howell was a co-incidence in itself,
However, I have now come to the conclusion that it was the worst thing I, Philip Lester, king of fuck ups, has ever done.

So,
You're now reading my testimony to avail a penultimate chapter of indifference in my chemical make-up,
(You're reading my writing thing which will tell you how fucked in the head I am due to the stuff in my brain)

It may be a little too hard or hot to handle, but if you're willing, please continue.

Alright alright alright, hi people who are still reading this story..!
I've been seeing the numbers go up and even though I've been very busy I thought hey I wanna write a chapter.
Believe it or not (I can see why you wouldn't believe) this is my favourite piece of writing,
I'd like to also take a moment and say that if ANYTHING is triggering you please do not read this fan fiction, it's going to get a lot heavier later on and I just want everyone to be alright c:

Okay! As for me I'm off to work so that's an over and out, if you want to check out more of my stuff I have a book still running called "years" I'll be updating that very very soon..(Possibly today)

Have a good one,

Malevolent X