Ruth-less

This Isn't Me

I wake up randomly in the middle of the night in a sweat. I must have fallen asleep. I have two messages from Luke

'hey are you coming , the party starts at 11' and

'Faith and Zuri are here, where tf are you?' I must have forgotten I jump out of bed real fast i'm still in pretty ragged clothes so I change into a red plaid that is on the brink of being raggedy it use to be my mothers and I only know that because one time when I needed clothes I went looking in her closet I was really surprised to find it I still had my shoes on so I quickly tried to leave the house but of course no ones gonna let their 18 year old teenager out of the house without questioning her first

"Where are you going?" asks Chad

"oh uh a friends house" I smile awkwardly

"You mean you're not going to a party? and your going to walk to your friends place at oh what time is it" he checks his phone

"12:08" I already know that i'm caught so I admit it

"come on Chad please I promised a friend I would go with him and I don't want to ditch him" I feel like i'm begging and its gross as hell

"fine but bring me a beer back" he jokes I bolt out the door and start to run down the street when I remember;

"I don't know where this party is" so I stop and look at Luke location he's two street away from me and I know for a fact i'm not walking there so I had to call one person,

"sooo you just gonna not talk" I mumble

"yeah" I had to get Chad to drive me damn now that I think about it I probably could have just asked him to drive we from the start once we get to the house I can tell it's the house cause of all the lights

"hey kiddo if theres and drugs there try and stay away from them" I nod at him but its not like i'm going to listen because it's not like I care I mean drugs make shit go numb meaning you only feel good stuff not even two minute into the party and someone hands me a red solo cup full of some kind of alcohol I end up drinking it cause it's in my hand not cause I want to it just seem like it'd be useless to have a cup in my hand for no reason after searching what I thought was the whole house I find Luke he sees me too he pushes through the crowd too get to me

"hey where's that boy!" I shout over the music

"what?!" he shouts back

"Where is Matt!"

"I don't know he said he had to do something!" Luke points to Faith and Zuri over near a table "the girls are kinda pissed at you!" I already know why Zuri would be angry at me and she has all the right to be mad at me to but Faith I don't know why she'd be upset at me for soon Matt comes back and takes Luke somewhere again i'm alone some girl who was definitely not from our school asked if I wanted to play a game of Pong I agreed to play and now that I look around there are a decent amount of people that aren't from our school something I never knew about myself was that apparently I was a really good fucking beer pong player of course me and this girl won but we did have to take a few shots I couldn't say I was wasted but I could say that I should have sat down first before running around with this girl later we ended up in a bedroom probably up stairs she pulls out a ***** and asks me if I want one I mean who in the right or not right mind would say no so she lights it I don't know what it is about this girl but something feel either off or strangely different than the other girls I know I go numb as I always do when I smoke but i'm not numb enough to know this girl is now in my lap

'am I getting pulled by a girl older then me what the fuck?!' Just then at the worst time possible Faith walks into the room. I know Zuri is behind her Faith looks so pissed and shocked at the same time I hear the girl say

"uhh can I help?" Faith says something but I can't catch the whole thing before she leaves. I get up to go after Faith. I feel a little bad about leaving that girl in there alone but Faith and Zuri are more important to me

"Faith!" I try to shout out to her I was indeed right she did have Zuri behind her she dragged Zuri by the hand behind her i'm unsure if Zuri recognized me or thought I was one of Faith's old flings I lose Faith in the crowd and once again i'm alone so I decided to as drunk as possible but not before Luke comes over to me crying i'm so high I don't know if its an upset cry or a happy cry until he says

"He doesn't like me, he likes Dylan!" he cries into my arms I know he's not all sober without hesitation or a second thought I walk over to where Matt is with Dylan I shove Dylan away from Matt

"what the fuck man whats your problem?" he says as if he really wants to hit me

"no what is your god damn problem Luke trusted his heart with you and you just tossed it away!" he laughs at me

"then if you care about him so much then maybe you should date him huh!" him just laughing pisses me off

"I wouldn't date him, he likes guys and I don't like guys!" he and Dylan laugh Dylan decides to chirp at me

"So what? You're a Lesbo?!" this angers me a lot and I snap I hit Dylan once but it was a powerful hit as he fell over the table

"CALL ME A LESBO ALL YOU FUCKING WANT BUT YOUR STILL A HOMO!" I scream at the top of my lungs at him with tears falling from my eyes the music had already stopped by now and everyone stopped to see me fight Dylan but I didn't want to fight him I ran all the way home with tears and horrible thought flooding my head I bitched about needing a drive to this party and now i'm running home from this stupid party I exposed myself at that dumb party and now I don't know what to do now I feel like a freak I should have just shut my mouth when I had the chance I could have started quiet but no I had to open my dumbass mouth and act on my emotions I bust through the door and fly up the stairs slamming my door behind me I scream and yell unprofound words at the top of my lungs throwing things across my room and slamming things. there's a loud knock almost like a banging on my door

"Shut up it is 2 in the fucking morning!"

"How about you shut up you stupid bitch!" it goes silent. I can't believe I just said that to my own mother

"What did you just say?" she sounded upset and shook

"What did you say!" Now it seemed less of a question and more of an understanding of what I said and now wants to kill me. I stay silent as she bangs on my door, more waking Chad they get into a spat outside of my door. I sit on the floor in my trashed room staring at myself in my cracked mirror that no longer sits on the wall. I burst the door open

"MOTHER IM GAY!" They stop arguing immediately and stare at me. I breathe heavily, my heart pounds and my body shakes in fear of what they'll say

"Is this a joke?" Chad asks I shake my head. Mom just stares in shock if she was a cartoon character her jaw would probably be on the floor. My heart races now, scared of what she'll say. I hid this for a long time and now it's out. Chad nudges her shoulder

"you gotta respond" he whispers

"no. no I don't have to we'll talk about this at 7" when she breaths it sound like she want to cry and she heads back to her room I can't help but tear up a bit Chad stands there for a minute it's like he wants to say something else but can't he eventually moves but it seems I can't like my legs won't let me my stomach turns and my eyes fill to the brim with tears I curl up on the floor and try to cry silently but I can't Chad comes out of the spare room and sits on the floor beside me and I hug him like the father I didn't get to have

"I knew" he whispers it doesn't surprise me he said that when Zuri left the house upset I kinda thought he knew but I can't get any word out I just cry and maybe this is a good thing for me to just keep my mouth shut and let my emotions do what they need to do.