Ruth-less

Release

At seven O'clock sharp i'm awake I didn't really sleep much last night there was to much on my mind to even think about sleep when I sat up I felt so sick my stomach hurt and it felt like it was being held down by a rock I stand up and almost fall my knees felt like giving out and my eyes felt puffy I wanted to cry again but I held it in and very slowly headed down the stairs I looked over the rail to see my mother sitting at the table her hands together on the table and a cup of coffee that looked untouched in front of her my heart sank I wondered if she sat there all night waiting til seven as I stepped into the kitchen the tiles creaked and she looked at me her hair was in a messy bun and she had a robe on her nose was a little red as if she was just crying

"Rulin sit down, please" I could tell now that she was indeed crying I sit down and then suddenly the chair i'm sitting in doesn't feel the same like it use too

"Ru Chad told me you went to a party last night. I'm gonna ask once and only once" she pauses "were drinking or smoking?" I want to lie but she'll think i'm gay and now i'm scared to say it again but I want to say it's true so she'll just think it was a joke but

"Yes" the truth won

"So where you.. Uh drunk?" I knew she was gonna ask me that and I then the tears built up

"No" I looked down hoping she won't see the tear in my eyes

"Baby tell me, are you actually a Lesbian?" I can hear the shake in her voice. I can't get anything out so I nod with my head still down 'oh god' I can hear her say under her breath she stands up and turns away from me I look up

"mom.." she shakes her head

"No. I didn't raise you to be like this" her voice trembling

"but you didn't raise me" I say under my breath

"what did you say young miss?" I stood up

" You didn't raise me!" I now yell at her

"What in the hell do you mean by that?" she sounds angry now

"you did nothing to be there or even say you raised me!"

"So the 18 years you lived under my house and 9 months of me carrying you in my stomach meant nothing!?" she shouts back

"yeah it didn't you never knew I left this house at night you never knew I cried you never knew I wanted to play guitar you never knew when I had my first period you never knew shit you weren't there for shit!"

"I tried to be a pretty damn good mother for you-"

"no you didn't you never tried you didn't even believe me when I told you one of your stupid fucking boyfriend touched me you never listend to me you never did you never cared and yet you act like the best fucking mom on TV but your the worst"

"I put my whole career to the side for you"

"yeah when i was a fucking baby"

"I TRIED TO PROTECT YOU" she screams over top of me

"Oh yeah? Then why did I always have to walk myself home from school when I was 6 why did I always have to get food for myself when I was 8 why was I THE ONE PICKING YOUR DRUNK ASS UP OFF THE FLOOR AT 12 HUH!?" it goes silent

"I WAS A LITTLE KID TAKING CARE OF A 30 YEAR OLD WOMAN WHO WAS ALSO MY MOTHER YOU NEVER PROTECTED ME I PROTECTED MYSELF!" she cries a lot and not even silently

"What was I supposed to do I tried to take care of you"

"But you didn't try hard enough, why did you even keep me? You know celebrities don't keep their kids most of the time so why did you keep me?" she doesn't answer