Some nothings and somethings

Something like remorse

Have you ever been in love? Like really.
Not just obsessed or infatuated or even "in like" which is a term I just read in a book and not sure is an actual valid feeling.

(Speaking of books I'll tell you all about my three most recent ones that blew my mind and had me on the EDGE of my [bed] SEAT wanting to know more in the next chapter.)

I mean fucking head over HEELS, high as a balloon, cloud NINE, this could be it, gaga in love, type of love. I thought that I'd never experience it. Then I did. TWICE. Its so unbelievable you probably don't believe me. Thats fine. I don't need you to, but I'll tell you what though.. It was the best and the worst thing I ever experienced. And funny how I got to be in love with a girl and a boy. I'd say I was lucky if things didnt end so terrible.

Sometimes I still think about her. My first love. I wonder what she's up to these days. She never answers my emails even though she said she'd get back to me and she's blocked me pretty much everywhere else. Still.. I wonder if she misses me any. If she regrets anything. A small selfish part of me hopes she does. Not because I want her to suffer, but I wanna believe that deep down somewhere she still loves me, because I know deep down somewhere, I do.

And then there is the love I thought I'd have EVERYTHING with. I looked forward to having everything with him. And a mistake that I can never take back, that he will never forgive me for no matter how hard I please or how much I mean it, how bad it hurts he's gone, or how much I still love him, no matter if I do a thousand little things, or several big things, even though he said he could. I know forgivness isn't easy. But.. is it supposed to be? Or are you supposed to do it even if its hard, because you know its right. I wish I knew. Maybe I've got it all wrong, maybe I'm not worth forgiving. Maybe I'm not worth the gum on the sidewalk.

All I know is this:

Alone I walked uphill three blocks which felt like four miles with the incline and sun and heat surrounding me.
And as I walked utterly alone I remembered...

The first time he told me he loved me, after he convinced me to remain his friend even though we couldn't be together.
"...Im not going anywhere" I had finally given in. Too tired and broken to fight him on it. And I couldn't let him go because "...I love you." And the he.. oh god I can't. My fucking heart is bleeding.  "I love you too Serie." And my fucking world came crashing down in the best possible way. And isn't funny that I knew he liked me and he knew I loved him, but until that moment I never would have imagined that he LOVED me. "Y-you love me?" "Yeah, the least I can do (if we couldn't be together) is admit my feelings. I love you Serie."

To this moment I still love how he once told me "I love you, love in all caps." I laughed and I  told him I was stealing that line because it was so witty so perfect so him. What I didn't tell him was that I stole it and hid it into my heart and seared it into my memory forever.

If you're reading this, I miss you. Is there any way we can get back to something we used to be..?