Prior Rings

Chapter 55: Tobias - Forgiveness

A/N: Wow - thank you all for the wonderful reviews from the last chapter! I really appreciate the support. Thank you also to my fantastic beta reader, Rosalie; you have made this story much easier to write.

WARNING: A mild warning still applies to those who are in the last trimester of pregnancy. This chapter isn't as rough that way as the last two, but if you're the type to read something and worry about it happening to you, I'd avoid this chapter until after you deliver.

——————————————————————

Chapter 55: Tobias – Forgiveness

(Tris is 30, Caleb is 31, Tobias is almost 33, Abigail is 4 3/4, and Eli was just born)

Caleb's words repeat over and over in my mind as I hold Eli, trying to make peace with my son. The irony is that I got my wish – he has Tris' eyes – and now I'm potentially going to be looking into them forever without her there.

It's an impossible thought to accept.

Objectively, I know that it's wrong to blame him. It's not like he set out to hurt her, and he'll suffer just as much from her loss as I will if she doesn't make it. But I can't help thinking that if he'd just been the same size as Abigail, none of this would have happened.

That might not be true, either, since I don't even know what went wrong. I just know that everything inside me hurts, and I somehow have to find my way through that to bond with this child. I don't know how.

Maybe Caleb is right. I've never been good at forgiving anyone, except maybe Tris. But I can't raise Eli if I blame him for...this.

And I can't abandon him the way my mother left me. For a long moment, I think about how Evelyn must have felt the day my sister was born. As she stared at Margaret the way I'm looking at Eli now, while she desperately tried to figure out a way around Marcus that would protect both of her children.

She faced an impossible decision that day, and I understand the choice she ultimately made, no matter how much it hurt me.

My breath catches as a thought abruptly occurs to me. Did she blame Margaret for forcing her into that position? For taking me away from her? Is that why she ended up neglecting her?

Is that the road I'm heading down?

Gently, I stroke Eli's head, soothing his fussiness. My sister was just a newborn then, the same way Eli is. It wasn't her fault, but I have to admit that deep inside me, there's still a terrified, grief-stricken nine-year-old who lost his mother that day. I thought she'd died in childbirth, and I hated the baby who'd killed her.

But I don't hate Margaret anymore, or my mother. I don't even wish any longer that my past could be changed. Without it, I might never have met Tris, or had the life I've had with her. Even if that ends today, it was worth everything to have it.

So, for a moment, I let myself be that damaged boy, feeling his tears merge with my own, and then I let him go. He belongs to my past.

And for the first time, I find it in myself to truly forgive my mother and sister. With the decision, I feel a tugging through my chest, as if a weight has been lifted. I hadn't realized how heavy my residual anger was, but there's a deep peace in releasing it.

Again, Caleb's words go through my mind, and my thoughts return to him. He was only sixteen or seventeen when Jeanine drugged him, and he betrayed Tris. That feels so young now, even though Tris was younger than that when I put her in charge of an entire country.

He helped her a lot with that task, and he did everything he could to keep her safe during the year we were apart. And today, when I was mired in my own dark thoughts, he was the one who came here to see Eli. To be there for him the way I should have been.