spidey one shots

small things

peter pov
One thing that no one really tells you about being trans is that it's isolating. Sure, I know other people who are trans, but regardless of our shared identity, our experiences and our feelings are vastly unique. Even more so when compared to cisgender people.

Which is why, when I'm having a bad dysphoria day, I don't usually tell my boyfriend, Harley. He's cis, so if I was to try to explain that even the way I hold my coffee makes me dysphoric, he would think I'm insane.

Sure, I was lucky enough to be able to get top surgery and to go on testosterone, thanks to Tony. But just because I'm where I want to be in my medical transition doesn't mean my dysphoria is completely gone.

If anything, now that my biggest sources of dysphoria have been dealt with, the smaller things seem to stick out more to me. The way I hold my coffee, what my starbucks order is, the way my hips move when I walk, even my shoe size doesn't seem masculine enough.

And yes, not every day is like that- but some are, and those days really suck. Which is why I find myself curled up in bed early in the afternoon on a day where I would usually be in the labs with Tony and Harley.

"Darling are you in here?" Harley knocks on the door, and I groan.

"Yeah" I reply, shifting so that I'm facing the doorway. I watch as he opens the door slowly, light pouring in to my previously dim room.

"You alright?" He asks, and I shrug, unable to muster up the energy to speak. I feel frustrated with how dysphoric I still get at even the smallest things, and even more frustrated when the fact that I want to cry makes me feel worse. "Having a bad day?" He asks softly, and I shrug again as he sits down on the edge of my bed. He nods, maybe not in understanding but in acceptance.

That's why I love him- even if he doesn't understand why I'm upset or why I do certain things, he accepts that that's just how it is sometimes.

He strokes circles into the palm of my hand quietly for a few minutes before I say, "you shouldn't be missing your lab time to be up here"

He raises his eyebrows at me, as if to say 'hypocrite,' and I roll my eyes. "I just meant that I'll be okay, and I know you look forward to lab time. You'll have more fun down there."

"I won't enjoy it as much without you." He says honestly, and I smile a little at that. "But if you want me to give you space I will."

"No, you can stay if you want." I mumble, not wanting to admit that it's better with him here. Everything is better with Harley around, he calms me in a way that nothing else can.

"You mind if I lie here with you then?" He asks, and I shake my head. He settles into my bed next to me, laying his head on my shoulder. We lie there quietly for a while, probably almost an hour, before Tony comes to find us.

"Hey, you two alright? You're missing our usual lab time." Tony asks from the doorway, and I shrug, unable to find the words to explain without making him worry.

"Yeah, we're good Mr. Stark. Just needed a day off, if that's alright?" Harley says. I watch as Tony glances between Harley and I for a moment, and I sigh in relief when he nods, shrugging.

"Yeah of course, we can figure something out for later in the week instead." He says, "Just make sure to come down for dinner later, and I think we're having a movie night tonight." We nod, and he leaves us to lie on my bed in peace.

"Thanks" I mumble shyly, ashamed that sometimes saying just a few words seems impossible. Harley gives me a sad smile, kissing my forehead.

"You sure you don't want to talk about it?" He asks softly, and I shake my head.