Side Effects.

Pt.3

*Present*

  "Did the pills help?" Chaeyoung's therapist asked as she ran her pen along the piece of paper before her.

Her eyes were set on Chaeyoung, anticipating her client's response. Chaeyoung's eyes wandered about the room, avoiding her therapist. Did they help her escape the way she had hoped?

How to answer that question... Chaeyoung nodded slowly. Her therapist scribbled a few words before looking back up at Chaeyoung.

"How? Tell me about it." She said and leaned back in her chair. Chaeyoung let out a sigh, leaning forward, resting her elbows on the table.

"Well, I wouldn't say it helped entirely. I was still...sad." Chaeyoung said. She was certain her answer was enough. Her therapist beckoned her to continue, only making Chaeyoung let out another sigh.

"I...I was able to forget what made me so frustrated earlier. Earlier that day I was in the student center and I was by myself. I had a lot to think about, things that ruin my mood, that seem to define who I am whether or not I want it to." Chaeyoung explained.

Her therapist nodded, jotting down some more words on the page.

"What do you think is defining you? If it's not you, what is?" She asked. Chaeyoung bit her lip. She hadn't seemed to be in control of her own-

"My thoughts. My thoughts keep defining who I am even though it's not who I am. I'm not straight or a good Christian girl like my parents want me to be. I...I fell for a woman that night and I hadn't realized it until the next day." Chaeyoung said.

She could feel how the topic was making her heart shake. It gave her a sense of discomfort to realize who she really was. It took her so long and how she had finally accepted it amongst everything that happened had truly messed her up.

"I see. When our thoughts become all-consuming like such Chaeyoung, it's important to not let such thoughts define our being or dictate our actions. One way we can do that is to draw back, take a deep breath and  say some words along the lines of This is not me. This does not define me. I am greater than the thoughts that haunt me. Do you think you can do that Chaeyoung? Beat the assumptions your thoughts make?" Her therapist asked.

Chaeyoung bit her lip. It was a bit easier to do that now, now that the ordeal was over and she wasn't fighting herself anymore. Back then, she had let her thoughts utterly consume every part of her being. And she never truly stopped herself from being fed such lies. She nodded slowly but her therapist wasn't convinced.

"What's holding you back?" She asked softly. Chaeyoung lowered her head and ran her tongue along her bottom lip.

"Isn't it always easier said than done to do something like that? To fight the urges, the thoughts, the assumptions. It's always It's easy. It's not hard. Just do it. But...it's not. There are moments where I still let the thoughts tell me who I am because that's how I was raised to live."Chaeyoung took a deep breath and started again.

"To believe I'm only human if I come to terms with societal expectations, my own parents' expectations. And probably because I'm fearful. I've always been afraid of being gay." Chaeyoung let out a breath and closed her eyes.

She could feel the tears form and her lips start to quiver. She was having the negative thoughts again, and this time, it was hard to fight it off when she was just being reminded over and over.

"Tell me about the day after. About the realization that you had." Her therapist said, reaching forward and gently touching Chaeyoung's arm. The young girl opened her eyes and nodded, breathing in slowly and exhaling just the same.