Side Effects.

Pt.11

*Present*

     "I thought of her again today." Chaeyoung whispered, head lowered as she avoided the eyes of her therapist.

Her therapist nodded slowly, shifting in her seat as she looked at Son Chaeyoung. There was a moment before Chaeyoung cleared her throat, licking her lips as she thought about what to say.

It was a sensitive topic for her, the mention of the woman who drove her to such madness.

"They keep coming back...the memories. The feelings too, they feel suffocating." Chaeyoung said.

Her therapist ran her pen along the piece of paper, looking at Chaeyoung in question. The young woman only had so much to say about her past love, the feelings arising with it, unwelcomed.

"Why is it suffocating for you? What makes it suffocating?" She was asked. Chaeyoung gulped, playing with her fingers under the table.

"Because it makes me remember how it felt to love her." Chaeyoung admitted.

Her therapist wrote a few words down before looking up and looking at Chaeyoung once more. She had a serious look on her face, her words slightly monotone.

"Tell me, Son Chaeyoung...what did loving Myoui Mina feel like?" The woman asked as she sat comfortably, but at the edge of her seat, across from Chaeyoung.

There was silence that overcame in the room. Words were unspoken as thoughts raced mindlessly in the young woman's mind.

Hands coated in sweat, as fingers danced around her lap, scraping the fabric of her jeans. What did it feel like to love Myoui Mina?

What words could be used? What thoughts could be thought for a topic such as this?

At a time like this, Son Chayeoung almost valued the presence of group therapy rather than to answer for herself, a question that was in itself, hard to fathom.

Loving Myoui Mina felt like-

"August." Chaeyoung whispered. Her therapist tilted her head, brows furrowed as she contemplated the response.

August? What did that mean?

"A summer love...where she wasn't mine to lose." Chaeyoung breathed out.

She could feel her eyes begin to burn, the acid for tears threatening to spill from her eyes that read vulnerability.

She remembered it all too well, the shape of Mina's body.

She remembered that distinct smell, like flowers when they bloom. It sunk deep in her skin, her scent as permanently engraved into it.

And Chaeyoung remembered burying her face in what was home. A body she memorized, a scent she grew high on. Her hands had never felt something so soft, so raw and pure.

Her eyes had never laid eyes on a body full of scars, but beautiful in its wake. When Mina would surrender to her with eyes closed and steady breathing, she felt connected.

When Mina would whisper her name, not out of love, but out of desperation of feeling, she grew engrossed in that sound. She had never heard anything sweeter.

When they fought for the truth, lies sounded so beautiful to her. When she was rejected, only then did a fire ignite her desire.

What did loving Mina feel like? Like death by a thousand cuts. Loving her was wondering when another wound would be placed, by a cut of a blade or with words that stung deep.

Loving her was the color maroon, saturated in lust.

Loving her was holding onto fear, fear of being abandoned. And she had been, whether or not it was in her control or not.