𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝𝐧'𝐭 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐬𝐚𝐢𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭, 𝐬𝐚𝐦 𝐟𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫

𝐞𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭

𝐓𝐖: 𝐒𝐄𝐋𝐅 𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐌

𝐒𝐚𝐦

"You okay pet? You seem to have thrown yourself into work since the other night" Mam asks as I sit staring at my phone in the kitchen.

"Aye, just getting my arse in gear. Don't worry" I say, playing it off. 

"Howay lad, you are gonna have a brew with me and tell me what's going on" She orders, turning the kettle on and staring me down till I put my phone away. 

I shake my head at my mother but I follow her orders, needing to talk to someone even if it was my poor mam. 

"I saw Arabella the other night when I was out with the lads" I whisper into the silence, not quite believing it myself.

"Please don't tell me you fucked up again child" She says pointing at me as a joke, making me sigh in reply. 

"No, we sat on the beach and I calmed her down from some anxiety attack. I felt so stupid running after her but I couldn't help it. It's like a switch in my brain once I see her and I fall in love with her all over again so many years later" I lightly explain. 

"Oh my darling, some loves don't go whether we are teenagers or in our bloody nineties and clearly you love Arabella but that story is better left be. You hurt her too much, she ran away from her safety at eighteen. I'm sorry Sam, but you did good to look after her and I'm sure she appreciates it. Maybe friends are on the cards pet?" My mam says, trying her best to help as I hum in response. 

"I'm going go up to my room for a bit" I say, placing of kiss of thanks on her cheek. 

As soon as I get to my room, I lock my door and do something I hadn't done in ten maybe twelve years. I opened my wardrobe, pulling the familiar green jacket down from the back. As soon as I see the familiar stripes down the arms, the guilt washes over me. 

It all played through my mind as if it was some black and white short film. Then came the self-deprecating thoughts. The hatred for myself, the hatred for my actions, the disbelief. 

I smiled to myself as I saw a notification from her appear on my screen. I clicked on the message as soon as I could. 

Arabella: I did a stupid thing and forgot my jacket so you're gonna have to deal with cold me all day x

Sam: Do you not have another?? x

Arabella: Sadly not, no other fits over my blazer x

Sam: That sucks, don't worry I won't let you get cold x

It was now later in the day and I was now with Arabella at break with all my mates, Dean eyeing my jacket as she started to shiver. I was already two steps ahead of you Deano I thought as I turned to her. 

"Do you want my jacket?" I asked, as she did her little cold dance. 

"No it's okay. Don't worry Sam" She assured me. 

"Howay, take the jacket before you freeze to death. Come on I'll hold your bag, I'm not that cold anyway" I said, handing her my bag as I peeled off my jacket for her. 

We both smiled at the image of her in my jacket, the sleeves being long enough for her to do her hand thing without pulling it and the jacket reaching half way down her thigh. 

I replayed the image over and over in my head. Dying to go back to those days. The innocence. The love. The comfort. 

The week after we broke up, I switched to my waterproof jacket then eventually two jackets out of spite. I wanted her to be mad at me, hate me because I thought she would at least argue with me but she never did. She kept it bottled it up. 

If possible I hated myself even more now. I hated myself for the way I treated her, the way I broke up with her, for breaking up with her. I had the best thing ever and I threw it away for the stupidest reasons, not even semi decent reasons. Selfish, horrible, cruel reasons. 

I was currently in therapy and she always tried to get me to open up about Arabella but I just couldn't. I internally shiver and cringe at the thought of it all.  I placed the jacket in it's designated place and caught myself in the mirror. Similar to the way I had that night. 

I could still picture my tear stained eyes and face, the hatred for myself that never went just seemed to grow into this cloud of darkness over my head all the time. 

I stared around my bedroom, memories playing over and over of her, of us. It was like one giant whirlpool that seemed to increase in speed. Then come the racing heartbeat, rapid breathing, shaking body and anger.

I pulled at my hair, bit at my nails and lip, tugged at everything possible before completely losing it. Grabbing a nearby glass, throwing it at my wardrobe aiming for the top shelf. 

"Fuck you Sam. You cruel fucking person. Then you have the decency to fucking act like some sweetheart in public. Everyone should hate you. I hate you" I shouted at myself. 

The anger didn't seem to calm this time, it seemed to grow. Here we go, been here before. I grabbed a nearby razor, tearing it across my skin like it was paper. I watched the whiteness, the innocence become covered by the red, the evil. I made my mark of hatred once again. Yet all the tears didn't seem to soothe the anger, I accepted it. I deservered it.

Why Sam? Why did you do all this?