Fifteen-year-old me underestimated the damage that indie boy could do. The damage that relationship could have. The lifelong pain it would cause. The ten year break I would take from our hometown.
Sam Fender. A name that still to this day, as a twen...
The date I had been dreading came around sooner than I had wished. November 6th. My mum's birthday, one of the reasons I decided to come home for the month. Me and my grandparents always connected with each other in some way on this day and today we are letting a balloon go, small I know but it's a nice thing.
However, this date meant another date was yet to come. Twelve years since we broke up on November 11th. But for now I put that date to one side in my brain far away, today was about my mum.
I was in the front room, watching some classic British TV with my grandparents while we reminisced over her. Memories bouncing off all our heads, laughter echoing over the sad atmosphere.
Me and my grandparents struggled while I was teenager, a lot happened between us but now as twenty-eight year old they were my best friends. The day I told them about London, there were a lot of tears but they understood and wanted me to do what I needed. They didn't need me to say the words for them to know, I couldn't stay in North Shields near him anymore.
"You okay darling?" Granny asks as I begin to zone out.
"Yeah, just thinking that I want to write a letter with my balloon for mum, might go do it now" I said, placing my mug down and kissing both of their cheeks.
I ran upstairs towards my childhood room, thinking over the idea I had. I had never done this before, I wrote letters for her all the time as a teenager now in songs but never attached them to anything.
I placed a record on the record player in the corner of my room before grabbing my cigarettes, a lighter, a notebook and a pen before sitting on my windowsill like usual with my legs against a chair. I lit the cigarette in my hand and as I opened the pen and book.
Mum,
I haven't written to you in a while, well not since I was a teenager. In fact it was when I was going through the infamous breakup. I know you are watching so I don't need to catch you up on all that. I'm a different person to the teenager I was and I know you know that but are you proud of her?
I always wondered what you would have said if you were here when I ran to London and didn't come back til now. I have a feeling, you wouldn't have let me. Probably would have said something about him not determining the rest of my life and what I do that I should do it for me.
I used to imagine what you two meeting would have been like. Now I imagine you giving him the evils in the corner shop over the milk or pouring a drink over him in the Lowlights, purposely talking loud about me down in London doing music just to get in his head.
Gran tells me I get all my things like that from you. Even my bravery but I don't think I do. When dad left, you didn't run instead you kept me and we even lived in the same house for the first eight years of my life even when uncle passed you were strong for me. Guess your way of running to London was your alcoholism. I don't blame you, the boys like that truly fuck you up.
Sam was my version of dad in a way. He still calls me Rose mum because of you. I'm rambling because I'm wishing this was us over a coffee.
I miss you like no other mum, if there's anybody I have needed since that happened when we were sixteen it's you. I always look up to you before a show or a certain song. I cover p!nk all the time for you (a little for me), I do every day to make you proud and for us. My life is ours forever. Your dreams are mine. I will always be your little girl and the signs you leave will forever impact my heart because mum you were special to me. My inspiration for every day.
I love you forever from the moon and back - Arabella x
I wiped away a few stray tears and tossed a cigarette from my hand. I folded up the letter neatly before attaching it with a ribbon to the balloon in the corner of my room.
I grabbed my phone from nearby before pressing the ring button on Phoebe's contact.
"Hiya bella, how are you holding up today" Phoebe asks through the phone as she clicks on the kettle.
"Aye i'm doing okay, I'm still struggling being home and today is just bringing everything up especially with next week yanno" I admit, falling backwards on my bed.
"She'd be proud and you know it. You're a little her, not just the looks but the personality too pet" She soothes.
"Can you remember when she'd pick us up from primary singing Umberella by Rihanna with your mum? We'd both laugh out in embarrassment, running to them for them to stop in front of the other bairns" I laugh as I recall the memory.
"Aye, you two would go red as tomatoes but we knew you'd love it. Your mum always used to remind me of it when we got to the gate" Phoebe's mum spoke from the background of her childhood house.
I let a sweet smile come to rest on my face as I got a few messages ding all at once.
"Popular. Anyone special?" She asked, stirring the tea.
"No one that special, I better go do this balloon and other things. I'll text you later, love you" I say quickly, putting the phone down as she said it back.
I only checked one of the messages, the other being instagram which could wait til later. It was a message from my cousin who was like my brother.
Levi: Missing you loads today Arabella. The bairns are missing their Aunty Bella and Lily's missing her sister in law. You can ring me anytime, you know that. My little sister, forever being protected by me. Love you and so would she x
I smile at the message and send a love you back. I grabbed the balloon from the corner, running downstairs to meet my grandparents in the back garden like we had decided.
"Ready pet?" My grandad asked from behind me.
"As ever grump" I reply, letting the balloon go from my tight grasp as the grasp falls to my jumper sleeve.
We all love you with a few tears, sharing hugs with each other for a while before going inside for some wine and music with each other like usual.
𝐒𝐚𝐦
I was scrolling through my phone and of course I had recognised the date but I knew better than to think about it. I didn't want a flashback today to the day we spent this day together. The guilt would be too intense and it wasn't fair to Arabella.
It was no longer my business but then her post came up and I couldn't not do my following actions. She was in my heart no matter what.
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Before I could even register what I was doing, i clicked on the message button on her account and sent her a message. It was automatic in my brain.
Sam: I know we aren't on the best terms but she loves you. She's looking down with immense proud as her daughter smashes the music industry and conquers London. You are doing incredible Rose and she knows it x
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omg is that me posting a long chapter for the first time in ages? yes it is as a future apology for the lack of posts over my gcse period. love you all and enjoy x
