Lover of Mine (CTH)

3. Tell Her

Sun, November 25, 2018

(calum's pov)
i'm hanging out with ash today and writing a little. we both had some ideas we wanted to get on paper so we decided to do it together. i went over to his apartment after lunch with my family and we'd been working on music since then.
my mind trailed off and i started thinking about gwen again. i had fallen asleep and woken up with her on my mind as well. in fact i've fallen asleep and woken up with her on my mind and trailed off thinking about her a lot recently. i like this girl way more than i've ever liked someone before. but it's my best friend. why now? where did the feelings come from? what if it ruins our friendship?
"earth to caluuuum." said ash, snapping me out of my thoughts.
"my bad man, what were you saying?" i asked.
"it was nothing important, what's on your mind man? you've been trailing off, deep in thought randomly for a few weeks now at least." i sighed. i knew of all people ash would be the one to notice, besides gwen of course. i debated quickly whether or not i wanted to tell him and decided i would. i need to talk this through with someone other than my own voice in my head.
"if i tell you this, you can't tell anyone, okay?"
"of course man, this doesn't leave here." i thought for a second about how i wanted to explain this.
"i have feelings for gwen." i said quickly, just needing to get the words out in the open.
"i know." my eyes widened and i looked at him.
"what do you mean you know?" i asked, shocked.
"i've seen the shift in the way you look at her. the way your protective instinct has taken over with her, stronger than ever. you're the first by her side when she needs someone. when we go out, you've stopped drinking when she's out with us. but when she's not there, you do. you glow different when she's around." explained ash. i laughed a little and shook my head.
"it was that obvious?" i asked. ash chuckled.
"to anyone who knows you." my eyes widened again.
"do you think she's noticed?" i asked, scared. ash shook his head.
"i honestly don't think she has." i sighed a sigh of relief.
"do the other boys know?" ash nodded.
"yeah they do." i laughed a little. "so what's your plan? you're gonna tell her right?"
"i don't know man. i don't know what to do."
"what's goin through your head? what're your thoughts?"
"on one hand, if i tell her and she doesn't feel the same, what if things get awkward? what if i ruin the friendship? i cannot lose the friendship i have with her man. on the other hand, what if i push my feelings away and never tell her and miss out on being with her? i don't know what to do."
"what are you leaning more toward doing?"
"i really wanna be with her. i don't see myself being able to push these feelings away, at least not anytime soon unless i have to. i'm just fucking terrified of telling her and losing the friendship we have right now."
"honestly cal, i don't see her making things awkward if she doesn't feel the same. and i'm gonna be honest and say i think she might have feelings for you. but you did NOT hear that from me." said ash. my eyes widened and i looked at him.
"what the fuck? what do you know that i don't?" i asked.
"i don't know anything for sure, i don't." he said, raising his hands in defense. "but i also know her like i know you. and i had similar thoughts about her possibly having feelings for you as i did about you having feelings for her." he shrugged.
"what makes you say that though? what made you think that about her?"
"just body language. i cant give more details than that though. i'm a firm believer in letting things happen naturally. so i don't wanna meddle TOO much." i laughed a little and put my head in my hands. "cal, tell her. have a conversation with her. she's one of the most understanding and reasonable people we know. you can't go wrong with expressing your feelings to g, even when it's about her." i sighed. i know he's right. i'm just terrified.
"okay." i finally said. ash patted my back and shot me a smile. i smiled back.
"let's go get some dinner." said ash. i agreed and we ended up at the diner down the street from ash's apartment. "so when did you realize you had feelings for her?" ash asked after we had ordered.
"in stockholm is when i finally admitted it to myself. i'd been trying to ignore it for a few weeks before that though." i answered. ash chucked.
"i realized it while we were in phoenix bro." my jaw dropped and ash nodded. we both laughed.
"you fucking knew before i did." we laughed. "what was the biggest tell? or at least one of them."
"there were quite a few honestly. but the biggest was when you stopped drinking when she came out with us. you were never that guy." ash laughed. i chuckled and laughed.
"i remember there was one night i wasn't feeling well so i didn't drink when we went out that night. throughout the night i noticed how much gwen enjoyed having someone else sober with her and how much more almost relaxed she seemed. from that night on i told myself i wasn't gonna drink much, if at all, because i wanted gwen to have as much fun as she did that night. honestly though i'm not even sure that she was having more fun that night or if i was just noticing it more because i was sober. but either way, i wanted to see her have that much fun every time we go out." ash smiled as i explained that.
"i love that cal. and i know she appreciates it. i cant imagine being the only sober one every time you go out is easy. so i'm sure she appreciates having someone else." i smiled at his reassurance. "what is it that draws you to her?" i sat back and thought for a second. it took me a second to formulate my thoughts. but it wasn't because i was looking for an answer. it was because i had too many answers and needed to sort them out.
"i admire everything about who she is as a person. her strength and resiliency in the face of some of the worst things a person can face. her selflessness and determination to be there for everyone. her passion for anything creative and for important issues in the world. her ability and willingness to speak up in the face of injustice. her open mindedness in every area of life. her attention to detail and love for all the little things in life. her determination to always do the right thing or work hard or be the best she can be. i so admire the way her brain works. i honestly find myself asking her questions i know the answers to just so i can hear her explain something to me. i can see the gears in her head turning and the looks of concentration. there's so much man. she's just seriously one of the greatest women i've ever met. i don't think there's anyone out there like her." i was smiling by the beginning of what i was saying. thinking about and talking about gwen and all the things i like about her will always bring a smile to my face. she will always bring a smile to my face. ash was smiling as well.
"damn cal. i've never heard you talk this way about a woman. i love seeing this side of you. i really think you and g would make a wonderful couple. and i mean that. you've always been called platonic soulmates from the time we met g. but maybe that's just because we always saw the way your souls were drawn to each other and aligned even from a young age." that made me smile.
"wow. you really think so?"
"absolutely man. but first, for any of that to be true, you kind of have to tell her." ash and i laughed and i nodded.
"i'm going to. i really want a shot with her. i couldn't imagine the regrets id live with for the rest of my life if i don't try." ash nodded. our food came a few seconds later. we ate and talked a bit more. after dinner, we went back to ash's apartment and i went to get my stuff. once i had my stuff together, i said bye to ash and went home. i took a shower and then laid in bed, thinking about gwen the entire time. i decided to write in my phone notes about her and how i feel about her. most of my notes are turned to songs later on and i wondered if one day we'd end up together and these feelings would turn to beautiful songs about the blossoming of a beautiful relationship. it made me smile to think about that. i fell asleep smiling that night.