Fake It Till We Make It

07

"Why didn't you tell me?"

It was later that night. After reading Kuya Ed's e-mail, I sent Ian a long message asking—no, demanding—an explanation. He replied an hour later and promised he'd see me after his event, and true enough, he was waiting on the ground floor of our office building when I got out of work. Now, Ian sat beside me in a narrow booth in the convenience store nearby, with fried dumplings and now-cold instant noodles—seafood for me, chicken for him—in front of us. It was our usual break-time food, but it looked like we weren't really hungry because most of the food remained untouched.

Ian's shoulders heaved as he took a deep breath after I asked my question. "But I did tell you. You knew about this from the start. I even talked about it during one of our core group meetings—remember that night when we came up with the fake relationship plan? I just thought that I didn't get accepted until Tito Mike gave me the confirmation."

I shook my head. "That's what I meant. Why didn't you tell me after you found out?"

Ian folded his hands together and pressed his thumbs against his lips, closing his eyes briefly as he took another deep breath. He looked like he was praying, and maybe he was—and it struck me then how distressed he seemed, so different from the calm and stable Ian I knew.

"I was scared." When he spoke, his voice was just above a whisper. He put his hands down and started playing with one of the plastic forks. "It's such a big thing, Ruth. I knew I wanted it, but now that it's right in front of me, I suddenly didn't know what to do with it. It was too overwhelming to talk about it, so I kept it to myself and prayed about it. I only made the decision last week."

Then he smiled sheepishly. "Promise, I was planning to tell you tomorrow over lunch, but the e-mails beat me to it. I'm really sorry, Ruth."

"I'm not mad." Ian gave me a look, and I slapped his arm lightly. He chuckled weakly as I rubbed my face wearily and sighed. "I'm serious. You didn't do anything wrong. I was just surprised, that's all." I said the last words slowly, testing how I felt about them just to make sure my statement was true.

It was.

And Ian was right. I knew all about this from the start—he never kept this plan from me. We all encouraged him to go through with his submission, and we all prayed about it. I had no doubt that he would get it, and I knew Ian well enough to know that he wouldn't say no to this either, because it was something that he really wanted. There should be nothing else for me to feel but happiness and excitement for him.

So why did it feel like I was being...abandoned?

"You're the first one to know," he said after a while. "Kuya Ed already told me to think of who can take my place in the core group. I think Gabriel is ready to step up. Joseph can join the core too and—"

"Ian," I interrupted, touching his arm briefly. "Thank you for telling me this, and I really appreciate it. But...what's going to happen to us?"

He blinked, realization dawning in his eyes. "Ah."

If this were a romantic movie (yes, I started watching more of them after his suggestion), this would be the part where we would have a fight, and it would be followed by some realizations about ourselves and our relationship. Then there's the grand gesture, a declaration of love, and finally, the happily ever after. Theme song plays, credits roll.

But this wasn't a movie.

Or a real relationship, for that matter.

"We didn't really plan for this back then, huh?" Ian remarked. His tone was apologetic, and when I glanced at him, he looked guilty, as if it were his fault.