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It's been a week since the events at the party occurred. I still honestly don't even know what to think at this point.
Sometimes reading your own emotions is hard, and that is okay. But not understanding how I'm feeling right now pisses me off so much.
I know I feel a mixture of anger and guilt, but overall I just feel incredibly empty, and that is the piece I don't understand.
Most of my exasperation is directed towards that Jinyoung guy. God, it makes me irritated just thinking of him, why am I even thinking of him? I just will never understand why men, no, why boys think it's ever okay to treat a person like that, like a piece of property or object or something. I've never been so thankful for being as sober as I was on that day, even with the amount i drank.
I forgot how high my tolerance is.
The rest of my anger seemed to be directed internally, or towards past Hayoon. I know I've always been a very independent women, but not leading with my head instead of my heart caused that whole situation. If I had just listened to the rules I was told to follow, I would've never got myself into that mess that could've easily been prevented in the first place. Rules were put in place for a reason.
I'm not blaming myself for what happened, although that may be what it sounds like. It's more like the remaining question of what could've happened if I had just listened to what I was told for once in my life. But what has happened has happened.
That's where the real guilt comes in.
Heeseung never wanted me at that party in the first place, and it just feels like an I told you so.
Which I'm aware that isn't what he's thinking at all, he was more worried than anything, and making Jungwon and Heeseung worry made me so upset for so many reasons that I can't explain.
My thoughts are literally spewing everywhere, I feel like I'm rambling so bad right now.
The other part of the guilt was directed towards my Aunt, who also told me to never go out at night, let alone a party.
I hate feeling the way I am right now, if I could take it all back I honestly think I really would.
I'd be lying if I didn't say I've thought about confessing this guilt. But unless it's Confession by EXO, then it's a really bad idea.
I'm aware that if I do so I will get in so much more trouble, and I'll probably see the darkness of night ever again.
I feel like it's going to slip out at some point, but I'd rather it be later rather than sooner.
