This story is about a 16 year old girl, Adrian Hellington as she find her way through life. She endures the effects of her childhood and the trauma it caused, along with the PTSD she faces. This story portrays the life of an unusual encounter of hop...
t.w. (talks of grooming, swearing, depressive thoughts)
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I always felt unloved, despite the fact i have a pretty large family and had many friends. I usually felt used or betrayed depending on the point of view you look at it from.
*3 years ago*
"Just one picture, It'll be fast i promise" i read through blurry eyes at the ripe age of 12.
"I don't feel comfortable showing anything im sorry" i knew this wasn't going to go anywhere good simply because i've been in this situation a time or two before.
"Fuck you, you're just easy and would probably let anyone have you if they got the chance"
There it was again, that sinking feeling when you feel your heart stop and try to catch a breath. How could anyone say this when they don't know me or know my situation. Except he did, he knew everything right down to the last detail. Everything i went through i spilled out to him, so why?
Why was he being like this?
"I said im sorry we can talk about something else if you want" I knew i didn't want to talk, i wanted to crawl into a dark space and stay there until i died.
*blocked*
Now there was someone out there who knew everything about me. He could tell anyone my story and i can't control it.
*Present day*
I reflect back on that day more times than I should. It was the day I promised myself no matter how bad I wanted to let someone in on my life I wouldn't. I would take my story and my trauma to my grave.
I was just a kid though, I don't regret telling someone. I think it actually benefited me in more ways than I could have ever imagined.
Despite the fact that it took me 3 years to realize that it wasn't some special guy, it was a creep from my brothers school grooming me.
I live everyday disgusted in this world and the people in it.
I cannot lie and say that situation hasn't almost repeated itself when I got too comfortable settling in the lies of a man. I stopped those times before I got myself in too deep.
I've always had this lingering feeling that something far more traumatic than I expected has happened to me before. There's always a distant thought that tells me I lost my purity at the hands of someone.
I recall many times I do remember weird things happening but I can never bring myself to think too deep about it.
I refuse.
"We need to find you a man, Im getting tired of seeing you mope and whine at cringy tiktok's everyday" I heard my cousin say snapping me out of my constant day dreaming.
My cousin Carly is my ride or die. We're 11 months apart in age and we basically share the same trauma in different fonts. Her dad left her at a young age but her siblings dad stepped in and was there for her. Him and her mom are still together, lucky bitch. Everyone always mixes us up into being twins ever since I moved to the city 1 year ago.
I hate to admit it but I despise her sometimes. I know it's never a good thing to feel this way towards family but I can't help it.
It's clear to almost everyone in our family she's the special child. First daughter, first granddaughter, first great grand daughter, first niece. Then there's me, always falling second behind her.
It hurts me to say the least but I'll never admit it.
She never sees me as a second option and she lets me know that all the time. I don't know what i would do without her sometimes.
"I don't need a man i'm better by myself" I state as I've said many times before. "plus I don't think I'll ever be ready to carry anyone else's baggage"
"Okay well then I don't want to see Miss. Attitude Judie anymore when you have to third wheel me and Josiah"
Josiah is Carly's boyfriend, they've been together for over a year now. I cant help but make the most erotic faces when I see them being all lovey dovey.
"Oh please, like I care about being a third wheel, I've done it most of my life, what's 80 more years" I say as she turns her head to look at me.
"I don't know what's more unbelievable, the fact that you think you'll be single for 80 years or the fact that you think you'll make it 80 more years" she says cracking a smile like she's proud of her little smart ass comment.
I've never been one to open up about how long I'd want to live but if life gets any more worse I might not plan past 20.
"Josiah's here to pick me up do you wanna come? We're just going to the mall to get swimsuits" she says
"No I'm good, I have to clean the house before grandma gets back or else I won't get my allowance and I'll be a broke ass dog the rest of the week" I say pulling the blanket over my head just thinking about it.
"Okay well you have fun with that, and make sure you get on your kneeeeees and get every spec of dust" she says pulling the blanket down and winking at me.
"Oh while I'm at it I'll get on my stomach and slide around the house, gotta sweep too you know" I mutter trying not to laugh as I watch her get up to leave.
There's always enough room for two smart asses Carly.
"You do that, I love you and I might be back I don't know yet but I'll let you know"
"I love you too, bye bitch" I say flipping her off before she shuts the door.
uh oh...
Here comes that lonesome feeling i get every time I end up alone. I hate the way my brain works. If I could, I would choose to completely shut down before it goes haywire.
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words: 1022
This is just the beginning, im not sure how often i can update, since it's pretty much my life i'll know what comes next and the words may just flow. THANK YOU FOR READING! 🩷
