When We Were Young

I'm not her anymore

Things have been weird the last couple of days, I've been out to feed the chickens because it's the only thing I can do with my cast. Andrew and Ryan have greeted me the same every day and have been helping me with carrying feed barrels wherever they need to go, but Dalton seems to be avoiding me. After that day in the hay shed it seems like he forgot what he said to me, he talks with Papa and the other boys just fine, but with me, it's like I'm a ghost. Memaw took me shopping as she promised, even letting me get my lip pierced.

I was laying in bed scrolling through my phone when I saw a message from Emma, rolling my eyes I opened it. "Hey, I wanted to say I'm sorry about breaking your arm. I know that means nothing considering I've been so mean to you since you arrived. But find me once school starts, I promise I won't be a bitch." I just read it and threw my phone across the room. Sighing as I sat up I looked at myself in the mirror against my wall and started to hate what I saw staring back.

Getting up and grabbing scissors I started to cut and hack at my brown hair until it sat at my collarbones. The multiple layers flowed across my head like I had seen on Youtube and Instagram. "Perfect now to change the color." Reaching to a few bags on the floor I grabbed the black hair dye I got yesterday and the box bleach. Parting the hair down the middle I dyed the black half first before beginning to bleach the other side.

Knock knock

I ignored it at first

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

"Alex I know you're in there open the door." I could tell by the tone it was Dalton and he sounded annoyed. "What do you want?" I yelled from my position on the floor. "Can I come in?" He said softly. "Yes, but we have to leave the door open." I just sighed as the door opened and I heard the springs in my bed creak as he sat down. "Why have you been ignoring me?" Was all I could say as he looked at me through the mirror. "What are you doing?" He questioned. "I asked you something first, answer me and I'll answer you." Focusing on my hair he moved to be sitting next to me. "I was trying to fight my own feeling I felt forming for you, I didn't want to fall for you but I did. And I'm scared I'll hurt you or scare you." He held his head low and then straightened out. "But I think I'm going to face the truth and get over myself, you know actually let myself be happy? So I came to get to know you more, like know all the things you like and music you listen to." I just chuckled and continued to do my hair before looking at him. "And to answer your question I'm trying not to self-destruct, I'm not the girl I use to be, I use to hide in my room for hours and make little patterns on my arms and legs, and try to escape with other means" I just shrugged. Dalton got a little closer to me, placed his hand on my thigh, and moved closer. "Then let's be self-destructive together." I smiled at his reflection in the mirror.

"I might need help rinsing this out." I looked over my shoulder as Dalton was sitting in the window seat looking down at all the boys. "Hey pretty boy can you help me, I can't get my arm wet." He just chuckled and walked over to me, picking me up bridal style and carrying me to the bathroom. "You know I could've walked here, I just need you to rinse the stuff out of my hair, it's not that hard." I chuckled as he turned on the water and I placed my head in the bathtub as he grabbed the showerhead. "Okay just tell me when you're going to JESUS CHRIST THAT'S COLD!" I screamed as I felt water hit my head, we both burst out laughing as the water temperature changed. "Why is there so much yelling? What happened? Oh, it's just you two I thought someone got hurt." Memaw said from the doorway trying to catch her breath. "Here Dalton give me the shower head you just massage her scalp. "I felt shuffling around me and then fingers intertwine in my hair.

"Okay, now reach over and grab her shampoo, and wash out the remaining color." I felt Dalton brush against my body followed by a cold gel touching my head. "Like this?" He asked and I heard Memaw hum in response. "Now I'm going to rinse this out and get a towel, Alex don't move." I groaned as my neck was starting to hurt. I felt soft fabric wrap around my head.

"Okay darling, you're good to go back to your room. And young man out in the field now before William comes in here looking for you." I heard 'Yes ma'am' before he ran off. As I was walking to my room I felt a hand on my shoulder. "Alex please be careful with her you put your love into, we all love Dalton he's a good boy but he has a rocky past okay?" I just nodded and went to go sit in my window seat and look over the farm.

I just wish I could get to know him more, he was mysterious and part of me liked that. I like how gentle he is, and how he just wants to focus on me. But why is his past rocky?

I looked down and saw the brothers trying to wave me down but I ignored them and just paid attention to the boy being chewed out by my grandfather for being late to work. As I started daydreaming about how school would be for me in about a month I noticed as Papa was looking up at my window, signally me to come down. Snapping out it I just slipped on some shoes and ran outside.

"Alex care to explain to me why one of my farm hands was late to meet me outside? Does it have something to do with you?" I could tell with his voice, he was mad. "Yes Papa, I asked him to pick up a school list for me in case supplies for this school were different from Washington." He just sighed. "Alex these boys are here to work, Ryan and Andrew are always early and Dalton is only to be late in the mornings he has football. Do you understand? Those are the mornings you are to be out here to feed the animals." I just nodded, this was the first time I was in trouble since coming here. "Don't make him late again, I don't want to have to fire one of my best hands because you two get along a little too well." I nodded again and said I was sorry.

"Now go and help make breakfast for all of them and don't make me tell you twice." I just ran back to the house, as I go into the kitchen Memaw stopped me and told me to take off my shoes. I nodded and slipped them off and placed them by the door. "Memaw when you said Dalton had a rocky past what do you mean?" I asked as I was handed an apron and a pot of potatoes. "Wash these and I'll tell you." I nodded and walked over to the sink and start running the water. "The most I've been told is something happened with his family, something I don't care to repeat. He is an unstable boy but if you are serious about wanting to love him, I'm sure you can calm him." I just washed potatoes and looked out the window. "I don't believe he's unstable, just misunderstood, like me." I didn't think before speaking. "Honey, it's not my place but I'd rather ask you without anyone else around, but do you hurt yourself?" I froze, how did she know? Did she see them? I thought my arms faded enough. "Um, I used to, not anymore I haven't felt the need to since being here." I heard a simple okay before the potatoes were taken from me and replaced with carrots. "You know washing these one-handed is pretty hard." I laughed as I looked over my shoulder. "Oh don't worry, that thing will be off before you know it." I just nodded and continued to scrub the vegetables with one hand.

"I think I love him." My sentence broke the silence, I heard something hit the ground and I turned quickly. I saw a smile across my Memaw's face as she looked at the potato on the floor. "Oh, darling you can't say things like that not while we're cooking." She just laughed as she picked up the root vegetable. "And anyone without eyes could tell you two are smitten with each other, now finish those carrots so you can help me cut everything."  I nodded and brought the colander over with me. "Now with those just try and cut them into cubes, something small enough to mix into the hashbrowns so the boys won't notice, your papa doesn't like to taste his vegetables." I laughed as all the boys came in. "Good morning Miss what's gonna be for breakfast the old man is wanting to know if he'll need to go out afterward," Andrew spoke,  I tried to focus on cutting the carrots small enough. "Oh go tell him to hush up and be lucky I'm making him anything to eat at all." Looking around from my spot at the counter I could see Ryan staring intently at me, I felt a shiver run up my spine from what I'm guessing is fear.

"Now buzz out of here, and you boys know to take your shoes off before entering my kitchen unless you want to remop the floors," Memaw screamed at the boys and they all ran outside. "Okay, go ahead and get dressed for the day, I'm sure you'll be going into town with Papa after breakfast." I just nodded and went to wash up the dishes I used to cut carrots.

What the hell was Ryan's issue? I didn't like the way he was looking at me. Did anyone else see it?

As I walked into my room I locked my door just in case.