When We Were Young

Tears on the blade

Trigger warning: Mention of self-harm and suicidal thoughts

After I realized from the hospital that night I was left alone. My grandparents had some get-together they had to go to and it felt like a dream come true. I was lost in thought while staring at myself in the mirror. My left cheek now adorns ten new stitches, bruising around my throat and random parts of my face. I could see a bruise across my chest and the fabric of my boyshorts and sports bra hung loosely on my frame, I want to call Dalton but he was asleep and not answering, but I didn't want to bother him any more than I had that night.

"No one would notice if you just added a few new ones." The voice was back, I tried to shake it but it just got louder. "Come on, roll them up and add more, you already bare the scars from other people." Grabbing my head I tore my attention from the mirror. "Alex come on, it's not like you'll go too far, come on let's play" Without another thought I dug through my makeup bag until I felt the cool metal touch my fingers.

"Just a few, only a few." My voice was shaky and hoarse from the hours of crying. "Good girl." I shuttered as I rolled my sleeves up and saw the white scars embedded in my skin.

I was lost in the action as the silver ran across my wrist, at first I saw nothing and I got mad that the blade wasn't sharp enough but soon red started to run. The rush filled my head and I started to add more. The blade ran up my arm, new cuts flowed the ruby color from elbow to wrist.

"Speak to me friend, whisper, I'll listen, I know I know you've locked out sight all these." I started to whisper the lyrics from Sweeny Todd as I moved to my other arm. "Friends, you shall drip rubies. You'll drip precious rubies." I felt myself getting lightheaded as the blood started to run down my fingertips. "Just a little further and you won't be anyone's problem." I began to go lengthwise down my forearm when I was snapped out of my daze by my phone ringing. Without thinking I answered. "Hello?" I set the phone on speaker and set it down. "Hey kiddo, I was just calling to say we won't be home till Monday morning, and if you get lonely we called Dalton's mother and he's allowed to come over for the night. And make sure you call the school in the morning and tell them you aren't able to attend till Monday." I just mumbled okay and tried to sound tired so he got the hint I was asleep. "Okay kiddo it sounds like I woke you up, go back to sleep, We'll check on you once we get home." Setting the blade down I looked at my handy work. "Okay papa, goodnight I love you." He said goodnight and hung up the phone.

The sudden feeling of anxiety filled my chest and I felt like I wanted to go farther so I did the only thing I knew how. I blew up Dalton's phone over and over. "Baby it's late what's wrong?" He questioned as his voice sounded panicked. "Baby?" His tender voice snapped me back to reality for a minute. "Dalton, I fucked up, I don't feel safe by myself tonight." I heard shuffling on his end of the call. "What do you mean? Baby? Fuck it I'm coming over." I hung up the phone and started crying, the urge to continue mutilating my body was still ringing in my head.

I didn't think before picking up the blade again, this time I started to move it along the clean skin on my thighs.

I couldn't feel any pain anymore, I curled into a ball and just lay in a pool of blood when my bedroom door burst open. "Baby! Oh, baby.." I felt arms pick me up and hold me close. "Why didn't you call me sooner?" I just looked up at Dalton as he held me against him. "You were asleep, I thought I could stop." I felt myself start to choke before the tears started again. "Let's get you in the bath huh? Wash you up?" I just nodded as he carried me into the bathroom.

He placed me on the floor as he started the water. "I'll clean your room while you just relax okay? I promise to stay with you as long as I need, now let's get you in." He picked me up and cradled me against his chest. Carefully my body was wrapped in the warm water, the stinging started as he kissed my head. "I'll be right back, don't you move." I just nodded and pulled my knees to my chest.

Ten or so minutes had passed when Dalton came back to the bathroom and sat with me. "You want to tell me what happened?" He asked as he sat next to the bathtub. I shook my head and he played with my hair. "I was just looking at myself and the voices started. But you can't tell anyone, please." I sounded like a child begging for a cookie or a new toy but he just nodded and grabbed my hairbrush off of the counter. "Come here Alex, let me help you." I just moved closer to him as he carefully ran the brush through my hair. "Clean yourself up, I'll bandage you once you're out okay?" I nodded and carefully rub the water over my body, the clear water turning pink then dark red.

After some time I got out and made Dalton turn around while I peeled my wet clothes off and wrapped myself in a towel. I ran to my room to get new boyshorts and a loose tank top. "Okay, you're good to come in," I called down the hall and he came in with the first aid kit. He instructed me to sit on my bed and he wrapped the gauze around my wrists and then knelt down to wrap it around my thigh. His touch was gentle and it sent butterflies through my stomach. I didn't think I just grabbed his hand from my leg and pulled him up towards me and placed my lips onto his.

I could tell neither of us were thinking when he followed my lead and before I knew it we were both on my bed, him above me, both shirtless, hip to hip, the needy touching and hungry kisses. Small moans from both of us.
"Are you sure?" Was all I heard before his lips were back on mine.

He was gentle but firm with my body, I knew this is what I wanted, but this time felt different from the times I had experienced this before. I felt safe and not rushed, I felt loved and protected.

His hands traveled across my body and found all the right spots, and I found all of his. It's like we found the right places for the missing puzzle pieces. I didn't know why I felt this way, but nothing could change the way I felt at this moment. His gentle words and soft kisses along my body, the way the light bounces off his muscles and the way he cradled me.
Before I knew it I was showing him all of me, and unlike before he wasn't looking to mock, but looking like he was making a mental picture. His calloused hands felt warm against my tender skin, he lifted my hips to meet his as he moves towards me more.
The way he looked at me make my heart skip a beat, but in a good way.
"Is this okay, they way I'm touching you? I'm not hurting you am I?" He asked as he placed soft kisses across my neck and down my chest. "No, is there anything you'd like me to do?" I wondered as I he shook his head. "Letting me explore you is plenty enough, just enjoy yourself." He whispered as he sucked on my collarbone, leaving a small hickey.

Before I could stop to think I heard something crinkle and then Dalton repositioned his hips with mine and rubbed against me. "Are you okay? We can stop I don't mind." I bite my lip and looked up at him. "Please fuck me." I moaned as I felt him slip in and I gasped at the feeling. "Fuck baby girl." He moaned as he leaned down and tangled his fingers in my hair. "Just tell me when you'd like me to start moving." He looked down at me for a moment and I just nodded.