Bitter Affectionate

Chapter 29

Brent looked suspiciously over his shoulder as I pulled him away from the gym doors. I left Joseph behind, sitting on the bleachers in an empty gymnasium. I wiped at my face, feeling like I had to wash the exchange off of me or else he'd be able to see the remnants of it. I didn't want that.

"What was I just interrupting?" He asked. We pushed through the doors and the sunlight burned down on us. The parking lot was far from empty, but people were loading into their cars and it was like we were surrounded in a haze of people with less substantial, more uplifting things on their minds. We were in a miserable, melodramatic bubble on the front steps of the school. "Are you okay? Who was that?"

This was wearing on my patience. I thought back to when we were kids. Sure, he had the patience of a saint with me since day one, but I was admirably tolerant, too. I remembered fights he got in on my behalf, the shitstorms he would brew when he was trying to help. That frustrated me, but my admiration for him was much stronger than my frustration. I remembered the paranoia he had for as long as I knew him. I would be unbothered, relieved even, if he woke me in the middle of the night to check the closets or under the bed for him. I liked that I could reassure him. I loved being the person in his life that didn't begrudgingly comfort him. I loved taking every part of him in stride, knowing that even his parents released a sigh when he made the same requests.

Now, I found myself wishing he'd leave me alone. He annoyed me for the first time, ever.

I sniffed and didn't answer him, but I didn't walk away from him either. We were face to face, though he was occupied with staring into the school like a guard dog, waiting for Joseph to emerge so he could interrogate him. I looked down at my shoes and mustered some dawdling patience. But whether I was waiting for that confrontation or something else, I didn't know.

After a second, he recognized my silence and looked back over at me. I watched his hands that rested by his sides twitch, as if itching to reach out toward me. I looked up to meet his eyes.

"You're still mad at me," He said. He sounded so defeated and I just stared at him. His face changed so much from when we were kids. He was always handsome. Like a kid you'd see in a GAP commercial. But he was different now. Somewhere along the way he got closer to looking like a man than a boy. He looked so grown up, now.

His eyes looked between mine. "You're not going to talk to me?"

I didn't answer.

"I was just upset, Drew," He said. He had a whine to his voice, a certain indignance or entitlement that perhaps he always had when he didn't get his way, but I only noticed it now. Rose coloured glasses and all that bullshit, I suppose. "I didn't mean any of what I said. I was just mad at you. You'd be mad too, if you were in my shoes."

I would be. We were both mean that day. But I attacked him out of survival instincts. It was a desperate attempt to turn away the blame, point fingers elsewhere. I was clawing at distractions and excuses. What was his end goal, in being so cruel?

I was probably only mad because he was right. I was a coward and I hated myself and some sick part of me was keeping me miserable on purpose. I was treating Calvin like an object and babying Brent and hurting myself.

So what was I angry about? That he wouldn't stand by and let me do it?

Or that he advanced on me and taunted me for the thing I was struggling with most. Without knowing it, he trampled on a hardship I didn't even understand. That - now that I was medicated - I was grasping at straws trying to comprehend. I told my uncle and what changed? He was uncomfortable around me now, but not much else resulted. I told Joseph, some classmate I hardly know because I needed some validation that it happened.

I could get that validation from Brent. He always knew exactly what to say and do for me. If I told him, he wouldn't just comfort me. He'd actually help. We fixed everything together. We could fix this too.

"I'm sorry, Drew. I know you didn't want me to say it, but it's true. I'm sorry. I handled things all wrong."

He protected me when I was a kid. He put his neck on the line and was picked on at school for being my friend. I was an anxiety ridden, terrified child with no parents and he shielded me from everything he could.

I didn't want him to protect me anymore. Things were different when we got older. I got taller and broader than him. I got my anxiety under control, I stopped thinking about the life I could've had if I was a regular kid with two parents instead of an overworked uncle. I was able to breathe without pills. I could stand up for myself. Everything he did for me just helped me grow and return the favor. I thought this would be the time in my life where I looked after him. When everything would be worth the hardship because I could protect him, comfort him, solve his problems.

I was tired of being a victim for him to care for. I was tired of being something he had to solve. The roles had been reversed for a few short years, and it was already reverting back. I couldn't let it.

"Please, say something," He said. He was hurting, that much was obvious. He shouldn't have been. He just won a game, almost single handedly. He should be happy. I wanted to see him happy.

"Its okay," I heard myself say.

His eyes were round and his eyebrows furrowed as he stared back at me. "I-It is?"

I felt a release. Not relieving, like weight removed or slack given. It was more like walking in my own footsteps. Knowing I safely walked that road before. Maybe there were other places to go. New paths to see. But at least I understood this direction. It may not feel good to go back the way you came, but at least it felt right.

"I didn't love how you did it," I said slowly, "But you were right. You did the right thing, calling me on my shit. And, for whatever it's worth, I'm sorry too."

He bit down on his bottom lip and I almost felt a nostalgic amusement at how emotional he was. It was reassuring. Maybe we could go back to before this relationship (which was possibly the most consistent thing in my life) had gotten so complicated. Things could be easy again, if I just put in the work. He deserved that much from me.

He shook his head at me. "Don't apologize. Just- c'mere."

I didn't hesitate. We collided into a hug. He balled up the fabric of my shirt in his hands and squeezed me tightly. I could tell he was lost in the embrace but I could still hear the chatter and starting cars beyond the front steps of the school. I could feel us being looked at. I hugged him tighter.

I didn't see Joseph leave the school. I had to imagine he left through another door and didn't cross our paths. Or maybe he saw us out there and decided to wait until we were gone.

A/N: omg it's been so long. I know this isn't the most eventful chapter for me to come back with after such a hiatus but I hope its satisfactory! Let me know what you think.