Bitter Affectionate

Chapter 15

It was the middle of the night, and I couldn't sleep.

Mark told me to get a good night's sleep. I could tell he was worried about me, and as much as I wanted to ease his mind, I didn't really know how. I didn't know what was wrong with me. Everything just felt... off.

I was laying in bed, the covers kicked off of me, in only my boxers. I was coated in a cold sweat. I wasn't sick. I hadn't had a nightmare. I didn't know where it came from.

I stared up at the ceiling and some part of me hoped it would collapse in on me. I didn't feel like I could talk to anyone. Brent wasn't doing well either, I couldn't bother him with my feelings. And I already decided Calvin was worried enough about me without me going into detail. It was all beginning to build up.

I rolled out of bed and pulled on a pair of jogging pants and sneakers. I grabbed a zip up hoodie from my closet and put it on before shoving my keys in the pocket and climbing out the window.

I somehow managed to scale the side of my house before letting my feet hit the grass with a thud. I just had to get out of here. It didn't matter where I went, I just had to go somewhere else. Anywhere else.

I climbed in my truck, leaving the lights off and backing out of the driveway quietly. I didn't want to wake up Mark.

I turned on the radio to drown out the sound of my thoughts and drove without direction.

The streets were barren. I was the only person stupid enough to go out at this hour.

Or, so I thought.

While I was driving, I passed a playground. I turned my head to look at it and noticed a familiar figure sitting on the swing, slowly swaying back and forth. I pulled over my truck and turned it off. I got out, approaching cautiously. He was alone, just as I was.

"Joseph?" I said. His head snapped up to look at me. I couldn't make out his face very well in the dark, but I knew it was him.

"Andrew?" He repeated. I felt my heart clench. No one called me that.

"What are you doing out here?" I asked. I heard him sniffle and moved closer, though it did no good. I still couldn't see him.

"I couldn't sleep," He said.

"Me neither."

Without warning, I walked over and sat in the swing beside his. I felt him staring at me but I stared at my sneakers instead. 

"Something on your mind?" He asked me. I smiled.

"There always is."

I heard him chuckle and felt proud of myself.

"Do you want to talk?" He asked awkwardly.

"Not at all."

"Good. Me neither."

My smile widened. Why did this feel so natural?

"Do you ever feel alone?" He asked out of no where. I looked over at him, barely making out his eyes. He continued, "Like you're cut off from the rest of the world, and no matter how close you are to another person, they're not actually there?"

I wrung my hands together. I felt like that every fucking day. Like I was there, but not really. Not the way everyone else was.

But I didn't say that. I said, "Is that how you feel right now?"

I noticed him shrug.

"Not overly," He said. "Usually, it feels like it's swallowing me alive. Right now it's like I'm between it's teeth."