Pain, Love and Everything in Between

My true self

I'm battling things I don't speak about but to the closest ones to me. Through the years I have picked up so much pain and hurt, add that to the previous trauma I become a broken mess. I've never had that love that helps mend the brokenness. I've always tried to mend it on my own and once I start picking up the pieces I go back to the trauma. The only reason for this is that's where I'm most comfortable, I know how to deal with the pain because I have done it all my life. I welcome the new hurt with the old scars because healing the wounds is harder. Facing the ugly truth and accepting the fact that it is okay that life has dealt me a shitty hand. That sometimes there isn't a reason for this... it's not my fault.  It's not my fault I had a shitty childhood, it's not my fault I had parents that really didn't care, and it's not my fault I endured abuse that broke that innocent little girl.  Feeling all those old emotions is okay. You have to feel to heal! Feeling helps me move on so I'm no longer that terrified little girl who thinks she is worthless. I'm a grown beautiful, intelligent, worthy woman who has two great kids that depend on her. That I can no longer be stuck and just SETTLE for what life gives me. Yes I'm mad as hell that I was treated so poorly. Yes I'm hurt that the most important people throughout my life has always let me down. The people that you are suppose to look up to, the people that are suppose to love you unconditionally. I thank the Lord above that he blessed me with a few individuals that helped me along the way. If not for them I could have made some very troubling choices. I thank them for helping guide me to the mother and woman I am today. For showing the love that I carry in my heart. Moving forward is always so hard, I tend to self sabotage, overthink, and not enjoy the brief happy moments I have without thinking something bad will happen. Change is hard, painful, and ugly but it's necessary to help you grow as an individual. To help bring you from the dark unbearable times. To help realize I am not the situations I have been through, I am stronger because of them. I can't let what I have been through define me but let it mold me into the person I am suppose to be. I have so much anger towards so many people that I have always suppressed because that was easier. I have always fought so hard to not be vulnerable and just went through the motions because I felt like vulnerability was weakness. I had so many people prove to me that vulnerability was my weakness. Preyed on it and took advantage of it. I have never been true to myself, accepted the anger, lived through it, and moved on. I have never moved on. That's why the darkness always crept back up. The darkness that seemed to consume me. That darkness that I never welcomed. For years dealing with anxiety, depression, and PTSD I never once thought it was due to the suppression. Never would have thought that I was causing myself to live in a constant nightmare. Cause myself to make the same decisions over and over because I was taking the easy way out. Coming to the realization that suppressing was causing me more damage than dealing with it. Coming to the realization that facing the anger and pain will only be temporary suffering but living with it bottled up will cause long term turmoil. That dealing with it is detrimental to becoming true to myself. I am angry and it's okay.