The Pessimal Hero

Chapter 1

[*POP* ... Hissssss] That's li—[CRACK]

(That's life)

That's wha people say

You're riding high in Ap--[*POP* ... Hissssss], shot down in [CRACK]—ay

But I know I—[CLUNK] change that tune

When I'm back on [*POP* ... Hissssss], back on top in [CRACK]—une

By the thirtieth play of the song, the lyrics had lost all their meaning. Hal O'Grady diligently held his dying mother's hand and held back tears. He brushed her hair, needlessly, out of her eyes and ran the back of his hand over her cheek.

I said that's [*POP* ... Hissssss]

(That's [CRACK]—fe

And as funny as it may seem

[CLUNK] people ge--[*POP* ... Hissssss] their kicks

Stomp—[CRACK] on a dream

But I don't let it, let it get me down

[CLUNK] this fi old world, it keeps [CRACK]--nin' around

"What the hell's wrong with your phone?" His sister, Lucy, gestured at the cracked iPhone sitting on the all-purpose tray next to the hospital bed.

"What? Oh, it got stepped on by a 7-foot landshark. Well, I mean, not a real landshark, just a normal-sized guy in a suit."

"I meant that song keeps cutting out and skipping."

"It's her copy."

"And it sounds like it's playing too slow."

"Her turntable needs a new drive belt, yeah."

"You mean to tell me you went to mom's house, dragged that old record player out of the attic, went through all of the boxes to find a scratched-up 45, and held your phone up to the speaker to make a recording?!"

"Well, I set it down on the speaker. I needed both hands to press down on the back panel and hold the power cord in just the right position so that it didn't short out."

"We live in the 21st century. We've got digital recordings, remasters, remixes, even mash-ups. Come on, it's supposed to be Frank Sinatra. This sounds more like Christopher Lee after two valiums and a tin of Stillhouse. You've heard of YouTube, right?"

"Look, I read all about Alzheimer's and dementia. They say musical recall is the second-to-last part of the brain to go, followed by television commercials. If she's in there at all, she remembers this. The pops and scratches are probably even more subconsciously engrained than the lyrics to her. It has to be this version. It's the one she played all our lives. It's the one she knows. It's familiar."

[CLUNK] been a pup--[*POP* ... Hissssss], a pauper, a pirate, a po—[CRACK]

A pawn and a king

I've been up and down and over and out

And I [CLUNK] one thi--[*POP* ... Hissssss]

Each time I fi—[CRACK] myself

[CLUNK] on my [*POP* ... Hissssss]—ace

I pick my—[CRACK] up and get

Back [CLUNK] the race

Watching his mother slowly deteriorate over the course of years, Hal decided, lead to some crazy thoughts and behaviors, of which this wasn't anywhere near the oddest. On one hand, he was losing his mother, the woman who raised him, the woman he'd known longer than any other person on the planet. On the other hand, this was the last person with first-hand knowledge of what really happened at the infamous "poopy pants incident at the third-grade school play," the last person who knew how badly he cried when Stacy Ling turned him down when he asked her to the 5th grade Spring Dance, and the woman who had single-handedly caught him masturbating in various odd locations at least two dozen times. Sure, he was losing a parent, but then, wasn't he gaining a clean slate at last?