Dreamers

THOUGHTS 📝

It's been a few weeks since the dinner incident and all I've done is been locked in my room listening to old CD's on my old discman, there's only a few weeks left until summer is over, and I thought to myself a thousand times I could have spent more time with Jay or with my friends, I really shouldn't have taken such sudden and thoughtless actions, where I had my mind on introducing Jay to my mother just because I was nervous to be alone at the table with a stranger , I was such an idiot for thinking that, of course I wanted my mom to meet Jay, but that first date sure sucked, and I just wanted to put that awful dinner out of my mind.
deep down she had never accepted who I really was, she thought I had chosen to be who I am, she always found a way to say that I was wrong, all she knew how to do was criticize me, very different from what she did with my sisters, after all they were the perfect ones, what's the use of being so eloquent and always being put down by people who should support you, it's been years since Luna and Paige visited us and even so they never cease to be the main topic from my mother. Paige had moved to Ireland and married an Irish accountant, and Luna lived with a guy who owned a real estate agency, in a nutshell they had sort of "the perfect dream life" my mother always said, while I was just more like a simple son with nothing special, sometimes that hurt me,

And that made me think of something, how ironic could it be how we live in a world where your happiness doesn't bring a lot of useful things into your life, after you spend your whole life being told that all you have to do is work on something where you go to have a great career and it was a little sad to see people surrender to a system where you give up your dreams just to survive day after day, I didn't think so, I always knew I had something different, since when I understand myself, I've always had a strong, spontaneous, artistic and creative personality, I wasn't born to live a boring and dull life like other people, but to get what I wanted wasn't exactly the easiest mission in the world, it's like I always said:"EVERY ENTERPRISE REQUIRES A DOSE OF SACRIFICE".
I didn't want to be like my sisters, I wanted to prove that I could be much better, even though I wasn't going to a big renowned college, I didn't need a college degree to prove the best of me, after all, even she couldn't do anything with that, it was just a piece of paper like any other, i thought that having a degree in something you didn't want was a big hoot, i wanted to show everyone that doing what you love makes you feel great. My dream was always to go to a music college, even though my mother didn't accept this idea very well, she wanted me to do anything where I could have a good career according to her, this was one of the main reasons for our conflicts in most times. At various times I came to think that our relationship was very toxic, I couldn't even express an opinion without being interrupted, she didn't even ask if I was ok psychologically of course, physically she always took care of me when I was sick or something, but at certain times she managed to shake me deep. Maybe that's why I felt so good when I was always with Jay, he treated me in a way that I was never so used to and I think he knew that too, or at least he noticed how really my mother and I we were kind of distant, well I wish I could be with him all the time, but I think that would be even more difficult after the incident where my mother found out about him, imagine if she found out even more that he was older, certainly that she was going to accuse him of trying to coerce me or something.