Adventures of Boy Couch: Who Keeps Stealing my Kills? (Soul Eater AU)

Chapter 1: A Not-So-Sound Mind

 "Are you sure we're actually gonna find it? We've been walking for hours, wouldn't our time be better spent, oh I don't know, actually taking requests and reaping souls?" Jeremiah complained. Their outfit consisted of a sort of traditional ninja garb--they wore a baggy black and green top and bottom, cinched with a brown belt at the waist and by wraps on their arms and ankles. Really, everything about the outfit screamed ninja except for one unusual detail--the fluffy brown (deeefinitely real) beard they wore in place of a mask.

"Ah. No! No negativity, I won't be having any of that. We can reap souls later. After I get my super cool legendary sword. No one will forget Tiberius the Great ...and company... when I ride into battle on my mighty steed with my magic sword and sleek gun and...fishing hook!" Tiberius interrupted, staring off into the distance. The boy could easily be mistaken for a prince by his clothes. His hair was a luxurious curly red and was incredibly well-kept, but more importantly, he wore an intricately embroidered and fluffy-sleeved shirt tucked into a pair of puffy navy shorts with stockings underneath and incredibly unsensible shoes.

Leif and Jeremiah both rolled their eyes. Jeremiah shot Leif a knowing look, to which he simply shrugged his shoulders and adjusted one of the wires on his headphones. Jeremiah sighed.

"Right, yes, your 'glorious vision.' Well, Leif and I both agree that we think this little adventure isn't going anywhere," Jeremiah argued.

Leif nodded and began gesturing wildly before remarking, "Yah! Hyah!"

Leif appeared to be the most normally dressed of the bunch. He wore a big, puffy jacket with embroidered fish running down the sleeves and a paper boat design on the back. The whole thing was covered in assorted straps and buckles that hung down from it. Other than the coat, his ripped skinny jeans and sneakers seemed fairly standard, though there was an oddity to his appearance. Perched upon his hair, which was a mess of blue-tipped platinum braids tried back into a ponytail, was a massive pair of black headphones with a massive crooked wire sticking out of each side.

"Leif's right. We've passed that tree," Jeremiah pointed at a tree, "At least five times now. Let's go home. We can resume this search another day."

Tiberius let out a mighty "hmph!" and was about to retort when the sounds of cracking branches echoed around them.

"...What was that??" Tiberius squeaked.

"Maybe someone else got the same idea about that sword..." Jeremiah suggested, eyeing the trees around them, while Leif seemed unphased.

A low, raspy chuckle echoed from the trees in front of them and a tall, dark figure suddenly jumped in front of them. The figure appeared to be a lumberjack, sporting a plaid shirt over his broad, muscular torso. His eyes glowed a fiendish red and he began revving up the nasty looking chainsaw, rusted with what seemed suspiciously similar to blood, he held.

"Fresh... blood..." the man murmured in a low tone, cocking his head and looking at each of them in turn with those freaky red eyes.

"Eh? Kyah! Ngya!" Leif exclaimed, nodding towards the man.

"Huh? This guy was on the Missions Board? Well, well, well, looks like we're gonna get to reap some souls today after all, right Tiberius?" Jeremiah explained. "Er... Tiberius?"

As Jeremiah and Leif turned to look between them, they found the spot where Tiberius had been standing now clearly vacant.

"Huh?!? Where did he go?? That coward..." Jeremiah muttered, scanning the area.

The lumberjack, a little bewildered by their lack of attention on him, moved to cleave Jeremiah's torso in two with his chainsaw. At the last moment, Leif stepped in and blocked the attack, his arm taking the form of a sharp metal hook that caught the man's chainsaw.

With a decisive "HYA!" Leif pushed the man back with a surprising amount of force.

"Thanks. Aha! There you are, you little coward!" Jeremiah exclaimed, running over to a bush. "It's always the bushes with you, isn't it..."

The bushes in question featured a rather out-of-place hairy orange flower. Leif and Jeremiah dragged Tiberius out of the bushes.

"Why are you running away? We could have gotten killed!" Jeremiah demanded.

"Because I don't have a death wish, obviously. Now are we leaving or what?" Tiberius answered with more dignity than he deserved.

Leif gave Jeremiah a look and muttered, "Gyah." Jeremiah's mouth widened into a smirk.

"You know... At this rate, if we don't do something fast, we'll certainly be famous at the school. Famous for being the biggest losers, that is. I'm pretty sure with our current record, we have the lowest number of collected souls in the entire school. But you're right, we don't have a death wish, so we should probably just run. Run and never let anyone witness the heroism of 'Tiberius the Great.' Guess we should call you 'Tiberius the Below Average' now, huh?"

":O." The gears in Tiberius's head were visibly turning as he stared at the floor.

"Hmph." He muttered to himself, straightening his posture and puffing his chest. "Tiberius the Below Average? That's ridiculous. No one would ever say a title that long! Now let's kill this idiot."

Tiberius struck a dramatic pose, stance wide and arms crossed at odd angles. In a flash of light, the two standing beside him disappeared and a pair of weapons appeared in his hands.

One was a sleek black and green pistol that shone like it was made of obsidian. The other, a massive silver fish hook, from the end of which hung a long length of silver chain, most of which was dragging on the ground at the moment.

"En Garde, foul murderer!" Tiberius exclaimed. He tried to point the fishing hook at the man but, finding it too heavy to lift that high, opted for the gun instead.