Sobriety || Kellic Fanfic

Chapter 3

Kellin was released from the hospital a few days later. On the drive back home, we stopped at Mcdonald's.

"It's fine, you don't have to stop here. I'm not hungry." I gawked at him, bewildered.

"Kellin, you haven't eaten in three days and haven't stopped making remarks about how hungry you are since you woke up. You've also been moaning about your craving for McDonald's since two nights ago."

He crossed his arms like a child, pouting.

"What's wrong?" I chuckled. He frowned.

"You know me too well."

"And that's a bad thing?" He leaned over to kiss my cheek.

"Not necessarily." He grinned.

"Do you want to go through the drive-thru or go in?" I asked as we pulled into the plaza. I wasn't sure if he was ready to face humanity yet, especially considering he was fresh out of the hospital.

"Can we just go through the drive-thru? I want to eat at home, with you." I nod and pull into the wasteland of a drive-thru. We didn't live in a very well-populated area, so lines were never long.

"Do you want the usual?" He nodded cheerfully. He always ordered the same thing - six-piece chicken nuggets with fries and a McFlurry. He'd been ordering it since we were kids, yet somehow never managed to get sick of it.

"Welcome to Mcdonald's, what can I get you?" Spoke the familiar feminine voice from the intercom.

"Hey, Danielle!" Danielle Victoria was a good friend of mine, who appeared in the 'King for a Day' music video. She only works at McDonald's on weekends to help her niece who works there. She wants to support her since her parents never did. Outside of her side job, Danielle was a model and tiktoker, though she started her work life at that very McDonald's.

"Oh hey, Vic! Is Kellin with you?" 

"Yep!" I chirped.

"Alright, the usual?"

"Yes please."

"Okay, pull up to the window."

"Thanks, Danielle!" Kellin chimed in from the passenger's seat.

We returned home, parking in the driveway.

"You, stay there. I hurried to his car door, opened it, and grabbed the McDonald's bag from his lap. I held his hand gently and helped him out of the car. "Your majesty." He giggled.

"You know, you don't have to treat me like porcelain." He chuckled. "I'm not gonna break. I'm already at rock bottom."

He was right. Suicide was rock bottom. There's a realization when you wake up from an attempt. A realization that things don't get much worse than this.

When we got inside, I guided him to the bedroom and sat him down on the bed. I noticed the bathroom door was still open, so I rushed over to close it, if not for his sake, then for me. I let him eat his meal undisturbed before interrogating him.

"Is it good?" I asked as he was finishing up. He nodded, content. "Can I talk to you while you eat your McFlurry or do you want to finish it first?"

"We can talk now, I guess." He muttered. I sighed. He looked so remorseful at the topic of his attempt, and it was disheartening.

"Kellin... Are you okay?" He seemed lost in thought, as if that question alone sent him completely spiralling.

"I... No. No, not really." He sighed shakily. His eyes glistened with tears threatening to fall.

"Then tell me, Kells. Tell me what's wrong." The tears rolled down his cheeks.

"I don't want to live." He whimpered. "I've had enough of this life-long prison of self-hatred and despair. I wish I could be set free, that the sorrow would release me from its chokehold, and I wish you knew how much I love you, because I really do, and I'm so selfish-"

"Kellin." I interrupted. "I know you love me, and I love you too, so, so much. I just want to know why you're so desperate to end it all." He seemed to be lost in a storm of thought.

"I'm so scared, Vic. I want to stay here, happy, with you. I want to make you happy, but I'm hurting. It's a torturous loop that I can't find my way out of. I know you want to help me, but I don't know if you can anymore."

"But you haven't even let me try!" I pleaded. "Kellin, I don't think you know how much you mean to me. If you died, I would come with you without hesitation." His eyes grew wide.

"No, Vic, don't say things like that." He whispered. "You're not allowed to do that."

"Then neither are you." A single tear rolled down his cheek.

"But Vic..." He whimpered. "It hurts so bad."

I sighed. I remembered what it was like to feel hopeless; to feel broken. You cut everyone off because you're so afraid to hurt them, but you just end up hurting them more. Back when I was in Kellin's shoes, I hurt him. It had all been smooth sailing in our relationship until last winter when I pushed him away. There was such an emptiness that plagued me for so long, and it wasn't new, which makes me wonder if Kellin had been like this before we got together.

"I know, baby..." I wiped his tears with my thumb. "But remember last year? Tell me, is this anything like last winter?" He nodded. That gave me a sense of hope.

"It's pretty much the same, just escalated."

"Well, we got through it last time, and we can do it again." I smiled. "And if you can't do it alone, I'll help you. I'm gonna be right beside you the whole time."

He returned my smile, tangling his hand in mine. His smile suddenly fell.

"You said 'we'." He murmured. "Are you okay?" I frowned.

"I'm not okay if you're not okay. I can't be happy if I know you're not happy, if I know my baby is hurting."

"But... I can't let you be unhappy." He muttered, another wave of tears streaming down his face.

"Hey, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that."

"No, you're right. I need to let myself get better. For you."I held his shoulders, peering into his deep brown eyes.

"I would love if you did, but I know it's your choice. If you really don't feel like it will help you, you can just stay here with me. And you don't have to make that decision now." He nodded. I wrapped my arms around him, feeling him slowly untense. "It's going to be okay, Kells. I promise."