Sobriety || Kellic Fanfic

Chapter 6

I woke up in the middle of the night from an unpleasant dream. I shot up and made sure Vic was still beside me. There he lay, facing me, peacefully sleeping. I sighed, relieved that Vic was still there, alive, with me. The note I found in his drawer haunted me. I was terrified that I hadn't really convinced him out of suicide. In his letter, he said he wanted me to forget him when he was gone. Why would he put a ring on my finger just for me to be rid of it?

I lay back down, careful not to wake Vic. I gazed at his sleeping face, pondering whether or not I should risk waking him up. I decided it was worth the risk and wrapped my arms around him.

"Kell...?" He murmured.

"Don't worry, just go back to sleep."

He sat up despite my words, leaving my arms.

"What woke you?" I sighed.

"Just a bad dream."

"What was it about?" 

"I don't want to make you feel bad." I muttered.

"Was it about the note?" I nodded. "It was only for if I messed up enough that you hated me."

"I could never hate you." I whispered, holding his waist.

"But what if you stop loving me?" He whimpered.

"That won't happen. I love you too much. We all make mistakes and nothing you could ever say or do could make me stop loving you. I haven't been madly in love with you for over a decade for nothing."

"Then you don't have to worry about that note."

"Okay, but in the morning, we're going to talk about your... self-harm." We lay back down, back in our original position. "I love you."

"I love you too."

The rest of the night was peaceful, my mind only filled with Vic. I woke up earlier than usual and carefully rolled to grab my iPod and earbuds from my nightstand. I shuffled my playlist and lay gazing at Vic's beautiful face again.

"Can I have an earbud?" He whispered, eyes still closed. I placed the earbud in his ear as he smiled.

The best thing about being emo is the ability to wind down to screaming. From System of a Down to Flyleaf, nothing bothered us.

Eventually after about ten songs, Vic opened his eyes and smiled.

"Good morning, Kell." He beamed.

"Good morning, my love." I replied, returning his smile. "Do you want a cup of coffee?"

"Sure." He sighed. "And then I guess we can talk about, you know." I nodded and headed to the kitchen.

I was completely lost in thought while making his brew. I was drowning in all the reasons he went back to cutting. Why did he start again? Where did he do it? How deep did he go? Was he taking care of his wounds?

The sound of the coffee machine brought me back to reality. I mixed in his preferred amount of sugar and cream and brought him his coffee.

"Thank you." He smiled, taking the mug from my hands.

"Are you ready to talk about it?" He nodded. "Can I see them?"

He rolled up his sleeve, revealing deep, wide, gorey cuts. Some were fresher than others, but they were all recent. Tears sprung to my eyes, but I forced them back. I didn't want to make Vic feel worse.

"Baby..." I whispered. "What happened?"

"It's stupid." He sighed. "I'm just paranoid."

"About what?" I pressed.

"I'm always worried you don't want me anymore." He sighed. "But it's not your fault. I take everything you do too seriously. Every off look, every change in tone... I always assume the worst."

It broke my heart that he thought that, but I had no idea how to respond.

"Did you wash your cuts?" He guiltily shook his head. "Oh, Vic." I sighed.

"I figured they'd eventually kill me if I left them untreated." My eyes widened. 

"Vic... Are you planning on doing anything?"

"No, I don't want to die, but I'll let it take me if it so chooses."

"No, I need you to promise me something."

"If it's to stop harming myself, I can't." I sighed.

"You need to live to our wedding." He went silent. "O-Okay? Can you do that?" My voice began to waver.

He stayed silent, playing with his fingers.

"Vic, please." A few tears rolled down my cheeks. "Remember when you were pleading for me not to take my life? Do you remember what you said?"

He shook his head.

"You said you would do anything I needed you to do." He nodded. "Look at me. I'm going to do everything I can to try to make things better."

"I'm sorry I'm such an inconvenience."

"No, Vic, please don't say that. You could never be an inconvenience."

"But Kellin, you deserve so much better than me." He whispered.

The pain in his voice broke me. He really believed he wasn't good enough for me.

"What makes you believe that, love?" Tears spilled from his eyes.

"Just look at me." He choked. "I broke my promise to you and now I have giant gashes on my arms. I'm not at all attractive and I never say the right thing. I just make things worse. I don't know what you see in me. I'm so ugly and pathetic, and-"

I connected our lips, cutting him off. He melted into the kiss as I tangled my fingers through his hair, trying to calm him. I pulled away when I was out of breath and buried my face in his shoulder, holding him tight, letting my tears soak into his shirt.

"I-I'm sorry." He mumbled.

"No, Vic, don't be sorry." I whispered. "You're so beautiful and so kind and loving. I can't comprehend how you could ever think those things of yourself."

"But it's true."

"It's not. It never has been and it never will be. You're the most gorgeous boy I've ever met and nobody could ever compare to you. Not even words could express your beauty." He smiled at my reference to his favourite song.

"You mean it?" 

"Of course, baby. I would never lie to you."

He sighed into my shoulder as I laid us down, not quite ready to get up and do things after our conversation.

"I love you so much, Kell."

"I love you too." I smiled. I really was blessed.