this is me trying, spn [ 3 ]

019. special kid

Larissa is sitting in bed and picking at a loose thread on the blanket.

"Hey. Dean, Nat, and I found another case. Uh, a woman walked into a church and got slashes on her back from something they couldn't see." Sam says. "Do you... do you want me to stay?"

"You can go. Don't care." Larissa mumbles.

"Baby, are you sure? We can... I can make some food, we can watch movies." Sam offers.

"No, actually, you know what? I-I wanna know why you're so okay." Larissa says.

"What?" Sam asks.

"Yeah. Yeah, I mean, why exactly are you-- are you out hunting and-and able to get up early and never fucking crying." Larissa says.

"I... Lissy, I'm hurting. Believe me, my-- my own depression is-is... it's not the best. I'm not okay."

"So then stop acting like you are."

"I can't."

"Why?"

"Because if I just lay in bed all day, I'm gonna feel worse, and I don't wanna feel worse."

"You gave yourself, like, six days to grieve."

"I'm still grieving, I'm just doing other stuff in the meantime. Like-- like hunting and-and being a father to our daughters. You know, they miss you."

"Well, good for them. You know who I miss? My fucking son!" Larissa yells.

"I know! I know! I miss him too, and I want him back too! I'm not okay!" Sam shouts, tears springing to his eyes. "I am not okay. I don't know when I'll be okay and I don't know when you'll be okay and I don't know when anything is gonna be okay, and I fucking hate it."

"So while I grieve, I'm gonna help other people because I'm tired of rotting away in bed. And I wanna help you, but you won't let me. I am trying to do whatever I can think of, but you push me away. And I get it, but the only thing you drink is alcohol, you haven't eaten in, like, a week."

"Well, excuse me for allowing myself to feel the pain of losing my child. What, you-you think I wanna lay in bed all day? You think I don't wanna be happy when I see Athena, but instead all I feel is even sadder cause I don't get to show that love to another child anymore? I don't want this, Sam! I wanted a fucking kid! I wanna kill that fucking bitch!"

"But, you know what? You wanna act fine, go ahead and act fine. Who the fuck cares?" Larissa says.

Sam huffs, grabbing his bag and leaving. Larissa throws a pillow at the door.

Sam goes to Libby's room, stepping inside, the girl painting her nails.

"Hey. We're going on a case. Nat and Jacob are leaving the twins." He informs.

"So now I have to babysit four people. I thought Billy and Oph were the babysitters." Libby remarks.

"Well, congrats, honey. You've been upgraded." Sam remarks. Libby rolls her eyes. "Look, baby, we..." Sam sighs. "We're all going through a lot, okay? Just... we're all adjusting to things and-- and it's a little chaotic right now."

"Yeah. Yeah, whatever." Libby mumbles.

"Just... just keep them breathing." He tells her before walking out.

"Do I have to keep myself breathing?" She whispers to herself.

+++

Sam, Natalie, and Jacob walk over to where Dean is standing at the Impala that Billy, Daphne, Ophelia, and Nathan are in the backseat.