MISCELLANEOUS

Truly

He told her he loved her. Yet she can't seem to get the other girls out of her head.  When he takes so long to respond, she can't help but ask "What's he doing now?",  "Who's he with?", and "Is he at sleeping?"

She can't help but question all the things he's said, wondering he was lying; if he was using her for some reason. She's had one too many people use her this year, and she wasn't about to let it happen again.

Earlier in the day, they had been talking. They talked all day up until four in the afternoon. She had complimented him just before, and he thanked her, but then he disappeared for hours. Now she was worried she overstepped. Should she not tell him he's attractive? Cause she thought he was. She thought he was the most attractive man she'd ever seen. Shouldn't he know that? Shouldn't she tell him?

Confusion always seems to rattle her brain when it came to him. Was he out there fucking other girls? He always talked about how much he loved sex and giving head to girls. Always mentioning how badly he wanted to do it to her. But he would always post stuff on his story, saying he was a professional. She never know what to think.

There was also the way he would tell her that he liked to keep the people he liked private. He didn't like to go sharing with people who he kisses and who he fucks. "Imma really private person when it comes to who I'm fw and kisses though," he would tell her. She didn't know if it was a red flag or not. Was he out there saying the same thing to other girls? Was she even allowed to be mad if he was?

He told her he couldn't do a relationship. He said that when he's dating someone, he wants to be around them all the time, and since he works so often and is at home most of the other time, he felt as though he couldn't give her the time she deserved. She understood that, at least she thought she did. She always tried her hardest to be understanding, even when it hurt.

One of her friends had been telling her to let him go. Her friend could see how it was hurting her to see him act like they were together, but then tell her they couldn't be. And it did hurt, but she was in love with him; she was afraid that ending things would hurt more than not being with him.

It might've helped to tell him it was hurting her, but her thoughts always clouded her judgment when it came to him. She overthought ever little thing. From the amount of time she was left on delivered to the way he was with their coworker.

The one she new had a crush on him. Now, she couldn't blame their coworker, he was a sight to behold for sure. And the way he cared for everyone at work made it easy for people to fall for him. But it was the way he treated said coworker. She couldn't tell if it was the same as her, or if it was different. It felt different, in a way, he was more gentle with her than he was with their coworker, and that helped ease her thoughts some of the time.

She hated the way her brain questioned everything, the way it constantly overthought everything that happened. She wished she could have no doubt at all that he had feelings for her, but her brain didn't work that way. Even after they went on a spontaneous date, where he paid for her food and made sure she had enough (even when she felt bad). He even let her try his food; he claimed he never let anyone touch his food.

She hated the way it hurt. The way it made her want to cry. The way she could never actually commit to ending things with him. The way he made her fall in love with him. The way he made her feel things no one else ever had before.

Now she was stuck, in a constant cycle of joy and anger and sadness. And all she truly wanted, was him.