Clara Spencer

Chapter 18

The primary song I listened to while writing this chapter

Diana's Letter

Dear Clara,

It feels rather odd writing your name down. For the longest time, I had settled on the fact that I would not get to choose it. That somebody else would do the honors. Yet, here I am extremely grateful for your parents choosing the name I had thought of.

I never allowed myself to think of a name while I was pregnant with you. I completely forbade myself to do it. It would only be more painful for me when I finally let you go. But the circumstances of your birth changed everything.

Those first few weeks we had no idea, whether you would pull through or not. Your doctors advised me to be prepared for the worst. Seeing you clinging to survive amidst all the tubes, was an agony like no other because even though you would no longer be my baby, the maternal love and worry I had for you were overwhelming. It was in those dire circumstances that I allowed myself to name you.

You see, since I was a child, dancing has been a great passion of mine. I take comfort in the freedom of the movement. The gracefulness and music that comes with ballet–one of my favorite forms–soothe me. Naming you after a ballet resonated deeply within me. Deciding amongst which ballet to do so came fairly easily as well since you were born in December.

So naturally, Clara was the name I chose for such a precious baby girl. The best Christmas present I've ever had.

I never expected your parents to choose the name, though. I never even expected them to ask my opinion in the first place. I was resolute in not imposing myself on them, just to carry on with my silly fantasy. I felt I was already imposing enough with the conditions of you're adoption. However, Alice insisted on asking what I would name you. Looking back, I sense that she must have known the heartbreak your adoption was causing me.

When I told her the name, she exchanged a glance with her husband, who bore an unreadable expression. I was positive that meant they disliked the name. To my great surprise, they returned to me the next day ready to fill out the birth certificate, finally naming you Clara.

I realize I've written this much, and still, I have not explained why I did what I did despite that being the whole point of this letter. I won't stall any longer. I owe you an explanation, which I hope will contain the necessary information to help you choose how you want to move forth.

First off, I want to make clear that I did not give you up for adoption because I didn't love you. That couldn't be farther from the truth. It is because of my love that I gave you up for adoption. I know it may sound confusing, but It really just comes down to the fact that I wanted to give you a better life. The sort of life I could never give you myself because of the fame I have.

I wish I could tell you that when I realized I was pregnant with you, I was immediately overjoyed. Unfortunately, it was the complete opposite. I was filled with fear, about how I could raise a baby in my current situation. I was coming fresh from a divorce, my security was gone, and the media was more relentless than ever. I could take care of myself just fine, but having a baby felt so irresponsible.

I envisioned what would happen if I raised you, and I feared you would come to resent me for it. You would grow up under the watchful eye of the media, constantly waiting for you to make a mistake. Publicating lies about you and uncovering things, you wish would've stayed buried. What's worse is that I wouldn't be able to protect you from any of it.

I couldn't help but then contemplate the differences between your situation and your brothers'. While I do worry about them, I can at least say they're protected from the media because of the family they were born in. They also have two parents in their lives, whereas you would be stuck being raised by a single mother. I was concerned about the potential issues you'd have that would stem from growing up without a father.