Jeordie eventually stops talking to me and goes back outside on the deck. It soon begins to pour rain but he still doesn't return to the interior of our home. I fetch a blanket and make my way to the deck to bring him inside.
You have to stay strong for him.
When I wrap the blanket around Jeordie's small body and try to ease him inside, he doesn't move.
"Jeordie please." I say, my voice almost cracking.
Pretty soon I have to pick him up and carry him through the door. I place him on the couch and bring him some heated up tea. I sit beside him on the couch. He rests his head upon my chest. My shirt instantly gets wet from his rain soaked dreads. He doesn't drink his tea, he just holds it in his pale hands. "I'm sorry, Brian." He sqeaks.
I slowly and gently rub his head, like a mother trying to comfort their child. He continues, "I should have told you back on the bus..I-I shouldn't have picked up smoking. It's all my fault and now I'm hurting the both of us." I shush him, "Shh, Jeordie." Usually I could tell him that everything will be alright, and i would tell myself the same.. but in this situation I can't. I can't because nothing is going to be alright. Jeordie's dying. My lover will be dead within two weeks and there's nothing I can do about it.
Keep staying strong.
"Let's just pretend that you don't have cancer..we'll do all the things you want to do these two weeks without worrying about it. We have to at least try. The last two weeks of your life should not be spent moping around with me." I suggest.
Jeordie nods silently.
"Tomorrow is Monday, the start of your two weeks of fun.. that's what we'll call it: 'Two weeks of fun' not the two weeks before you pass. Tomorrow we can start with your dad, how does that sound?" I try to sound cheerful but Jeordie can probably already detect the despair in my raspy voice. "Okay." He says quietly. "Bri." He says, calling me by a nickname I haven't been called since highschool. "Yes, baby?" I reply. "I'm sleepy."
I carry my lover to our bed and lay down beside him. He cuddles up to me and falls asleep within minutes. I desperately try to fall asleep too, but I already know that I will not because my mind will not leave me alone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I didn't sleep at all last night. I still lay in the same position and stare at the now naturally lit ceiling. Jeordie stirs in his sleep and groans because of the sun shining through our bedroom window. I get up and close the curtains, then leave Jeordie to sleep. I turn on the shower, get undressed and then step inside. I feel emotionally and physically drained.
I turn the water on freezing cold to try and snap myself out of this state. It unfortunately doesn't help. The only thing that changes about me is the goosebumps all over my skin. I get out of the shower and sit on the bed beside Jeordie until he wakes up. When he does I kiss him on the forehead and say "Good morning"
He smiles at me with half closed eyes. "I love you." he giggles.
It is so nice to hear him laugh. It's a better sound than any song I've ever heard. "Are you ready to go see your father today?" I unintentionally say 'father' as if I'm spitting out out poison, but Jeordie thankfully ignores the tone. "Yep." He replies before sitting up and stretching. "Alright cutie, go get ready while I pack lunch and start the car." I say and go downstairs to the kitchen. I prepare sandwiches for Jeordie and I so we can eat lunch while we're on the road. I also put milk and Jeordies' favorite kind of cereal on the counter so he eat breakfast before we leave.
Once Jeordie is ready and eats we get in the car and start our journey to his father's house. "Don't look so worried." Jeordie says. "It's hard not to be, I don't trust your father for obvious reasons. I just don't want anything to happen." I reply. "Nothing will happen as long as you're there to protect me."
I look at Jeordie and he smiles at me. I kiss him on the cheek and he blushes. It's cute how he still blushes when I kiss him even after all these years of us being partners. While we drive Jeordie spots a glorious feild of flowers and demands me to pull over, and of course I do. He starts walking through the feild, feeling the flowers brush against his fingertips. I pull out my vontage polaroid and take a picture of him from behind. He turns around and smiles at me. We decide to stop here and eat our lunch since it's almost time to. We sit on a grassy spot where no flowers grow. After we're finished we retreat to the car and continue our journey.
Time goes by fast and we're pulling in his father's driveway. We sit there a moment in silence. I think we're taking it all in. Remembering the conflict the man inside this house caused. "Are you ready?"
Jeordie nods in reply.
"Are you sure you want to do this?" I ask. Jeordie nods again.
We walk to the front door at a steady pace. Jeordie knocks on the red door. We wait for it to open but no one comes. I try rining the doorbell. We wait. No answer. "Maybe he's out." I suggest. "Brian, his car is right there." Jeordie points to the garage. I look into one of the small windows and see that Jeordie is correct. As I'm walking back to Jeordie's side he tries opening the door and it turns out to be unlocked. He gives me a nervous glance. Slowly he opens the door and I walk inside behind him. The house is dark. The only light inside is coming through the thin curtains in the living room. "Hello?" Jeordie calls out. No reply. Just silence. We futher investigate the house. I run upstairs while Jeordie slowly makes his way to take a better look in the living room. As I'm about to check in one of the rooms which I assume is his dad's room I hear Jeordie scream from downstairs. I run down the stairs and jump off the last floor. My heart pounds in my ears as I make it to Jeordie. His back is against the wall, his hands covering his face. He's sobbing. He uncovers his face and stares at one of the chairs in the room and I follow his gaze. His father is slumped on the chair, obvioudly dead. I only now recognize the horrible smell of a rotting corpse. How didn't I before? The sleeve of his left arm is rolled up exposing the signs of herion use. I assume that he overdosed. I take Jeordie's hand and take him to the car. I then go the kitchen and call 911, leaving with Jeorde before they arrive. He still sobs while I drive us home.
This is too much.
