An entry of sorrow

I want to start with this at the very beginning.
My mother and my father had me, my brother and then divorced. I visited my dad every second weekend until he decided he didn't want to do that anymore, from then on me and my brother visited him every second Sunday. It's depressing.

Up until about three years ago we both visited our father pretty much every time we had to. My father is a very manipulative man. He used to tell my mom she was not going to leave him because she wouldn't find anyone else, tell her he'd kill the kids (me and my brother) and then himself or scream at her that there's never been divorce in his family.
He also used to drink and do drugs. Like get drunk, wake up with a hangover and then tell the kids he isn't feeling well. My mom is still very much traumatized by him. She still can't stand the smell of pure vodka, the taste or the smell in other people's breath. He isn't a good person.
He started to form us into what he wanted us to be early on. My father used to tell me I needed to be the older and stronger one. My brother was never at fault and never wrong. I was the perfect older one, I needed to be perfect. If I wasn't perfect who would be? I needed to be perfect for him. He needed it. My brother could be the cliché of a boy. He ripped his pants "oh he's just a boy".

My mom has had a few boyfriends since my father. The first one didn't actually know how to take care of kids, the one after that visited like once a month and never actually communicated. The one after that was similar. Her current boyfriend isn't much better. He does communicate much more but he scolds my brother often, he's unappreciative of anything I do and he is very loud.
It makes me feel very unloved and unsafe in my own home even though he doesn't even live with us.

I am not ok. Ever since the pandemic started I have been getting worse and worse. I've had very rough patches and I've had happy moments but what stays is a feeling of soul sucking emptiness.
It has taken me all my energy to say this but I am not ok and I need help. I need therapy. I have thought about killing myself. I need help.