Dear Diary

CHAPTER 3

Dear Diary, it's me again. Today is March 31, 2023, 3 days after my last entry. I'm actually getting a hang on this writing thing, and I find it very therapeutic for me. Getting all those thoughts, worries and insecurities out. Your mind can really mess you up big time, makes you doubt things, or question your life's choices even. This mind of mine has messed my life up big time. Every time I feel at peace and sure of something, this crazy echo inside my head just poops out of nowhere and starts questioning me. Making me feel uneasy, paranoid and to the point unstable. I am not crazy though, but there is something in mind that keeps on bothering me.

Especially when I am in the point of sadness, it makes me question my worth, my purpose. I have always searched for that sole purpose and my mind keeps on telling me that I don't have a purpose, that I was born in this very planet to experience pain. I fought so hard to try to prove myself especially my mind that it's all wrong, that I do have a purpose here and I just need to find that out.

Seeing people that I knew achieving something and reaching their goals makes my mind crazy, and her comes the other part of me saying that whatever I do, I just literally end up with nothing. Here I am trying to write and get all the words out and hoping that I could actually finish this book. But my mind is telling me a different side, that I won't be able to finish this book, that I'm actually drowning in depression, and I don't know how to move forward and pull myself up. That eventually I will up be killing myself because I'm just so damn tired.

I should say, I did think about that so many times, but there is also something in me that's stopping the most serious crime that I'm planning to do to myself. I guess I'm in the verge of regretting some parts of my life, I don't regret being part of my family, I don't regret messing around with other guys, I don't regret enjoying my life, and I don't regret being with him today.

What I'm actually regretting is that I was too weak to stand up for myself, I was too weak to fight those bullies, I regret being drowned in depression until this very day. I regret not picking the best course that could have saved my shit today. I regret of detaching myself from the society. And I regret that I now forgot how to pull myself together.

Yes, life is full of craziness, we have different struggles and pain that we have to face every day. Yet, some of us chose to face that trials head on and some chose to be like me, away from everything. Now I'm seeing my life before in my very own eyes and I could say that it is time for me to get back up and fight those trials. But I don't know where to start, my life has been recently on freeze mode, while everyone's life is doing what it should be for them, I am here figuring out what I should do with my life.

I always find myself in a dark room alone, a feeling of building that wall around me so that no one could take a look at my life. Yet, I dream of a better life for us. I imagine myself buying a home for us, a house that we can actually call ours, a car, and a small business. I don't dream for a perfect life, and I know that he is doing everything that he could for us to survive and to support me.

But sometimes I wish I could find that old self of mine, who takes risk, who enjoys life and just fun to be with. Now, I actually don't see that girl, I turned into this boring, depressed some kind of girl. And my mind is telling me that I deserved it. That my dream will always remain a dream.

This mind is actually crazy, sometimes I feel like my mind just want me dead. Or is it my depression talking to me? I actually don't know. What I know right now is I want to do something to help the family that I'm building, I want to be able to provide again. But every time I try to bring that old me back, I feel uneasy, to the point that my paranoia will kick me in my ass and tell me I can't.

I've been fighting my situation for years now, I know you would recommend that I should check myself in for therapy. But I don't know the reason why I myself don't like that idea, I mean I would love to go to therapy, I would love to cure this shitty head of mine, but I guess when you fight your own battles with no one knowing and giving you a hand, you always choose to stay in dark and just keep it to yourself.

I know this book is full of sad stories and all. I actually don't even know if I could write an entry with happy memories. Why? Because I sincerely can't remember a memory that I was truly happy. I guess my life was sad and depressing from the very beginning, right?

I am trying to see a better picture of my life, but I just can't. I guess when anger and pain ate you up, good memories and better you also been eaten up.

Sometimes I would think that maybe the life of the people around me would be much better if I just don't exist. I make people's lives harder; I make it complicated and unbearable to the point that my mind is telling me this people regret being around me.

It sucks I know, if you're feeling the same feeling as me, well you're not alone. I guess we just have to find a way to fix ourselves, right? Fight this crazy mind of ours that has been telling us to just quit life. I guess we just have to find that fuel that can start our engine again. How? I don't know either but what I know is that we can get through this, though people can't understand what we're actually going through and sometimes looks us like we're a bunch of joke or sometimes a nut case. Know that you are not alone, we all have our demons to fight within ourselves. We just have to believe and tell ourselves that we will get better and we're not alone.

I know for a fact that I can fight this crazy mind of mine, I just have to find the answer to my question to how. I don't know if after publishing and finishing this book will I find the answer or will I be better. But as long as I have that little hope, I will try to turn my life around and I hope you should too.