Dear Diary

CHAPTER 4

Dear Diary, it's been a few days since my last entry. Today is April 4, 2023. Holy week is already starting. I can't say this is my favorite time of the week, but instead it reminds me of the pandemic during the year 2020, it's scary indeed but the scariest part in life is surviving.

For the last couple of months, I have been sending application to different companies hoping that I might finally get a job that can actually pay me well, I'm not saying that I don't like the job that I currently have, I do like this job, it's convenient, I get to take care of my partner and our little fur baby.

But it's not compensating me well and it hurts me to see my partner lose sleep because I can't sometimes help him pay bills and whatsoever. Though he is not saying anything about our situation, but I just can't stand still and watch him sacrifice his life everyday just to provide.

I love being a writer and a publisher because I am able to open my imagination and read other people's book for free. I have been waiting for a call to any of the companies that I sent out my resume to, and I did receive a call, it was from an academy and the job position was an Event Coordinator, I thought I was ready and confident that I can ace it but when I started to do the interview via phone. It hit me, I wasn't physically and mentally ready to go out and work outside again. My fear hit me again. Because of what happen to my previous work and pandemic, a part of me really got damaged.

I developed hating working in an office set-up and preferred to work from home. I hated mingling with people and trying to be friends with them because I tend to overthink things. So, I lied, I told my partner that the face-to-face interview was cancelled because they found a better candidate for the job that I was applying for, but the truth is I got scared, I got scared that I might fail, I got scared that the past might happen again and will hurt me even more.

I was too scared that I thought maybe I can a work that only caters work from home. To be honest, I really dreamt of working as an event coordinator I even planned to make it as a business. But the fear, trauma and paranoia hit me hard that I can no longer bare socialize.

I became an introvert; depression is my friend and writing are my way of talking to people. I prefer to stay away from people's shadows and stay silent in the corner. I don't want any attention or any craziness in my life, but I also want to help provide for this family that I'm building.

Life is indeed hard, especially when you are experiencing mental breakdowns every now and then. I thought about suicide for many times thinking that it's my only way of helping and remove the burden that I gave to the people around me.

It's hard to fight with a mind that is depressing and unhappy. I want to ask for help but I feel hopeless. And every time I think of these depressing thoughts, it reminds me of my older brother.

I came to realize how hard his life might have been, no one to talk to, no one to run to when you need help, fighting your own personal battles without people knowing that you are struggling inside. No wonder he took his life, life is indeed unfair to those who are weak.

And I am one weak person, I never imagined myself being this depressed. I was once extroverted, I love mingling, going out and hanging with my friends. But traumatic events can really change a person. I sometimes don't know myself anymore. I prefer to keep my problems all to myself, coz I don't want them to see me as a burden, I don't want them to see that I'm weak.

When I think about the things that has been happening in my life, I can't stop myself to breakdown and cry. Life and Reality is indeed depressing especially when you're mentally breaking down day by day.

It sucks. I've praying and asking God for help and here I am writing, crying and breaking down while sharing this to you. Guess writing helps I think, but I can still feel something in my heart, buried deep the pain, agony, hatred and fear. It's silently eating me, and I can't do anything but watch them change me into a different person.

I don't know what the future holds for me, whether I'd be able to publish and see this book rise to the top and help those people who are going through the same phase as mine or this could be the last memory of me, the author who tried to fight his depressive brain.

Only God knows what my future holds, he knows my pain and struggles in this very earth. Whether I'd get a chance to survive and pick myself up or take my life, he knows that I've done everything to fight, and you people who have read this book will know that I did fight for my life in this earth. I don't know how many chapters this will take.

But as long as I'm breathing and still fighting, Iwill keep on writing and sharing my story. I hope one day I could share a happychapter of my life to you guys.