Hayes (A Carolina Cyclones Story)

29.

Hayes

"So, um, I actually have to head into the arena. I have a meeting with Gordie, the operations guy, to review some of the sketches I've done for the murals. I've gotta have that all locked down by the time the season ends for the team."

Maggie looks nervous as she speaks, the hesitancy clear. She's been a little skittish since I shared the stuff about my dad with her, not that I'd expected much less. It's hard to imagine a father inflicting harm on his only child. It took me a long time after the fact to rationalize what had happened to me as a kid.

When I'd finished my story she'd pulled me into her chest and held me for a while. It had been nice, comforting, and validating. And then we'd moved on. Which is exactly what I needed. No prying questions, no digging for more information than I was currently willing to share. Just quiet support and care. Exactly what I needed, just like her. No doubt sharing my secret had led to the burden being lifted. After it had all been put out in the open I felt like I'd taken my first good breath in years.

"I wish you didn't have to go." I say as I stand and reach for her hand, intertwining our fingers and pulling her against me.

"Well see, and I really don't feel great about leaving you all alone–" "I'm fine." I say quickly. "Okay sure, you're fine" –she mocks me with air quotes–"but I'd worry less if you weren't on your own. So, would you maybe wanna go with me?"

I'm momentarily conflicted. Normally I'd be at the arena already, practicing with my teammates in preparation for game two of the first round of playoffs tomorrow. The boys held on to the lead last night and pulled out the win giving us the 1-0 series lead over New Jersey and that motherfucker Petrov. I hope he needed stitches when Jax was done with him. The idea of going to the arena and being unable to help my team in any way makes me nauseous but the upside to this concussion is that my previously fully booked playoff schedule is suddenly wide open with time to spend with Maggie. So I might as well make the best of the shitty situation.

"You sure I won't be in your way?"

She laughs in response and lowers her lips to mine. I think she means for it to be a simple kiss but I'm feeling greedy so I wrap my arms around her, trapping her against me as our tongues tangle and I lose myself to her overwhelming pull. She sighs into my mouth, letting me have this one and melding into me. My fingers tangle in the ends of her hair and I enjoy the laid back and unhurried kisses. It's becoming comfortable in the best way with Maggie and I have a deep appreciation for that.

"Come on. If we don't get going I'll do something stupid like take you to bed instead of going to my meeting." She says, forcing herself up out of my lap even as I grab her hand and give her the puppy dog eyes.

"I like the sound of the other plan better."

"I bet you do. I still think you better give your head some time though. Today will be a test of sorts. You might want to grab some sunglasses. The brightness outside might bother you."

I sigh, defeated. No hockey and no sex. This concussion really blows. Next time I see Petrov, he's a dead man.

*

"So it's gonna be here?" I ask pointing to a wall section of the concourse before staring down at the printed rendering of the mural Maggie just got done proposing to the arena staff. It features hockey pucks and sticks in the midst of a storm, our name and new logo filling the majority of the middle of the design.

"Yeah, one here and one on the next level in a similar spot. These will take probably a week or two each, the hardest part is going to be the hall of fame section they want, since that's gonna require portraits to be done and all, that'll take most of the off season, especially if you guys make a deep run."

"You mean when we make a deep run, right?" I tease.

"Oh, yes. My bad. How's your head?"

We've been in the arena for about an hour. I stayed in the office waiting room, on the couch while Maggie had her meeting so that I could rest. I wanted every bit of concentration and energy my brain was going to let me have, available for her. Now, she's showing me her plans for the arena and explaining what she'll be doing as soon as the season's done.

"I feel okay. I'm glad I laid down while you talked to Gordie, even just the ride here wiped me. Also, where's your car? Didn't you drive to the game last night?" It was a random thought that had occurred to me after we'd arrived at the arena, Maggie drove us in my G-wagon. Just as she had driven us home in it the night before.

Her cheeks flush the sweetest pink and I wish I could make them stay that way forever.

"Oh, um, well..." She falters and I slow my steps to stand next to her, focusing my eyes on hers. "I just had thought we'd go home together after the game so I'd had Rachel drop me off on her way to the bar last night. That's why I had an overnight bag in my office space too."

It just now hits me that she'd had both pajamas and a change of clothes. To be fair my brain's a little broken right now so observations aren't exactly my strong suit.

"I can get you a ride when you need to go back to your place."

"That won't be necessary, I'll just Uber."

"Please, Mags. It's the least I can do. You totally dropped everything to take care of me."

"Oh please, Hayes. My work schedule is pretty relaxed right now. A whole lot of hurry up and wait until the season ends before I can do much. And I haven't been taking commissions because this job has paid so well that I've been able to take a bit of a creative break. I know you aren't used to people looking out for you and it might take a bit for you to wrap your head around it but I like you. We're dating and having fun and I care about you. Don't fault me for wanting to be there for you."

"I'm not trying to find fault, Maggie." I tell her, brushing an errant piece of hair out of her face so that I can see her pretty green eyes. "But like you said, it's hard for me to understand that you want to be a part of my life. How could you when the people who are supposed to want those things, my own parents, didn't want to be?"

"Aw Hayes don't say that.."

"Why not? It's the truth. My dad wanted nothing to do with me once he saw that I might be something great. His jealousy turned him green to the point he wanted the alcohol more than he wanted to be in my life and my mother? My mother just turned a blind eye to my suffering and then let me walk out the door when the NHL came calling. So if the two people who are supposed to be programmed to care about me can't, how could anyone else?"

I'm breathing heavily by the time I finish and nervously glance around, glad to see it's still just the two of us in the concourse.

"Forget I said anything..." I turn but Maggie's hand grabs my elbow, spinning me back to her.

"This is it, right? The real reason you're so caught in your routines? Because they were your safety?"

I don't reply and she takes that as a sign to continue.

"You had to find a way to keep yourself safe and you said that was by putting your nose down and focusing on hockey, on your way out of that situation, but really it was because you found little ways to avoid his wrath. Am I right?"

Of course she is. She's proven very perceptive to this point so her on the nose guess barely surprises me.

"There's safety in routine. In knowing what to expect. Do things the same way, the way that didn't upset him, and eventually it becomes easy to replicate, almost like muscle memory, and that eliminates some of the risk."

"Self-preservation." She nods in understanding. "You know he's gone now though, Hayes. He can't hurt you from the grave, so are all the crazy rules still so necessary now?"

"He might have died, but my fears and anxieties didn't die with him."