Dazai angst

2

TW: ⚠️
Suicide
Blood
Self harm
Alcohol
Pills
Poor appetite (?)

~Dazai's POV~
I wake up in what feels like a hospital bed. Did I.. make it?
Damn.
(yes I stole that from episode 1, fight me 😾)
Ugh... I feel terrible. I flicker my eyes open and see a long haired ginger man in what looks like a fedora and a suit. Is that.. Chuuya?
CHUUYA!!!

I sit up quickly in shock, but all the blood rushes to my head and I feel dizzy.
Why the hell did I do that??
"Idiot! Don't get up so fast!! You're still recovering, lay the fuck down." The ginger said angrily, but with a slight tone of concern in his voice.
"Chuuya!!~~~ Long time no see chibi!! I see you're still wearing that goofy hat, huh?" I say snickering, feeling genuinely happy for some reason.
"Don't 'long time no see' me! What the hell were you trying to pull of there you mackerel?!? You're friends were really worried about you. So worried they had to call someone from the port mafia. Seriously, what the hell made you think that was a good idea!?"
Chuuya kept ranting on and on about how stupid that was, and I couldn't help but agree with him. I was still heavily affected by my overdose earlier. I listened to his words carefully. Was he always this whiny?

After about 5 sentences of the whiny short dude complaining about me, I felt something roll down my cheek. Are those.. tears?-
~Chuuya's POV~
"Oi, mackerel, are you.. okay?" I said trying to sound tough, but I couldn't help but say it in a worried tone. I always knew he had.. issues..
I remember the last attack I walked in on before he left the port mafia. It was right after Odasaku's death.
~Flashback~
I knocked on the door. I expected to see Dazai's stupid, clueless grin greeting me in a few seconds, but after about 2 minutes passed, there was still nothing. Was he not here? It's eerily silent here.. is he okay?
I attempted to open the door. To my surprise, in was unlocked. If you thought the outside was eerily silent, wait until you came in here. There were about 13 bottles of beer and whiskey littering the floor. Had he been.. drinking again? Some of them were broken, some of them were perfectly intact. There were also several pill bottles and containers skittering the floor. I felt a wave of genuine concern.
I know he has some problems, but this is way too much.
The third thing I noticed was the obvious trail of blood leading to the bathroom. The blood was fresh, not dried just yet. It was a dark shade of crimson. I followed the trail, stepping carefully and making sure not to step on any of the substances on the floor.

When I made it to the bathroom door, I gently knocked.
"Dazai?~ you in there? Why is there blood?"
My voice today was unusually gentle and worried. All I want to do is make sure that idiot is still alive. It's been a while since I've walked in on him "attempting".. will I still know what to do?
After waiting for a response for a while, I gently opened the door, as if it was a delicate flower.
My eyes widened in shock.
Dazai was sitting in the bathtub in his boxers. Bloody bandages and blades scattered across the room, and every now and then you'd find a beer bottle.
His body was filled with deep cuts and burns, some obviously fresh as if they were made only a minute ago, and some were at least a couple months old. I've seen him like this before, but there was certainly.. less scars than now. His blades are all rusty too. I wouldn't be surprised if he got tetanus or something.

Sighing, I shook him gently to wake him up. His eyes flickered open and looked at me in confusion.
"Ch-chuuya?.. what are you- doing here?" I heard the brunette say weakly.
I looked at him with a stern expression.
"What do you think, idiot. I'm here to check on you. You haven't eaten in a while.. can I bandage you up?"
I saw the brunette hesitantly nod, and I rummaged through the cabinets. I got a handful of antiseptic wipes, some steri-strips, and some gauze.
After cleaning up his wounds, I got him a fresh change of clothes and dried him up.
"Thank you, chibi~"
"Dont call me that. Would you like me to make you some food? It's been a while since I've seen you eat."
Dazai nodded, looking eager to fulfill his hunger.

I looked through the cabinets looking for something I can prepare. Anything.
All I found was pills, alcohol and some instant noodles. Does he really not have anything else!? Jesus Christ. I'll just make him some noodles.
I started boiling some water. I knew it would take a while, so I sat down next to him and hugged him.
"I know it may not seem like it, but I worry for you. Promise me you won't try something like that again?" I said kissing his cheek.

"I can't promise.."
~End of Flashback~
Whatever, I need to help him now.
"Would you like to talk about it maybe?" I mutter softly, looking at him with worry.
"He died because of me."
I was shocked at how straightforward he was, but I knew exactly what he was talking about.
Oda.

"There was nothing you could've done, it wasn't your fault. There was nothing you could've done to save him. Will you stop beating yourself up for this?"
There was a pause, followed by more tears from the brunette.
I just sighed and hugged him, his head laying on my shoulder. My coat absorbed all his tears, and I gently rubbed his back.
After a couple seconds of hugging, Kunikida, Atsushi, and Rampo walked in quietly.
"Dazai! You're awake!!" Atsushi said rushing to hug him before I swatted him away.
"Be gentle idiot! He's still recovering!" I shouted, genuinely mad. How could they be so stupid? I thought they would've already known about his 'episodes' and what to do during them. I guess not.
~Dazai's POV~
My ears hurt from the ADA members talking. They were so loud, couldn't they shut up!?
I dug my head further into the mafioso's shoulder, and quietly mumbled,
"l-loud.."
As soon as I said that, the ginger exclaimed; "Oi! Shut up! His ears are still ringing you morons."
He hugged me even tighter. He knows I love that, we were partners for so long after all. I love his back rubs, his petting, his hugging, and strangely, I even love his whining sometimes.
I sighed in relief when I heard my colleagues stop talking and apologizing. But I didn't care, I just wanna be alone with Chuuya right now.
I sat quietly, cuddling with the chibi. I felt Atsushi's and the others eyes glued on me, but I didn't care. If anything, it made me want to cuddle even more with my ex-partner.
"Idiot, are you okay now? Would you like some food?" Chuuya asked, playing with my hair. It felt nice to be cared for again.
And I was pretty hungry.
I nodded slowly and rested my eyes shut.
I felt Chuuya getting up and going away, and I wanted to scream. I don't want him going away. He can't. Come back. That was all I wanted to say, but I was too exhausted to speak. I poured as I watched him walk away, and for a second I regretted ever answering 'yes' to his question.
I lay on my back, staring up at the ceiling. Wondering if the detectives would treat me differently after this. I could feel their pity, and it made me want to throw up. It's disgusting..

"Um, Dazai.. are you okay?-" Kunikida said softly
"What do you think?" Rampo responded. I chuckled at his response and he noticed it and smiled at me.
"Dazai, if you ever want to talk, I'm here. Please don't hide your feelings again. It's quite obvious too." As Rampo said this, I was surprised to hear genuine concern in his voice. I never thought of him as the type to worry.
"th-ank-" I was cut off by Kunikida, who handed me his notebook and a pen.
"Dont strain your voice. That was a lot of pills you took, it certainly affected your speech. Please write in this notebook so you don't hurt your voice any more."
I nodded and started writing away and once I was finished, I handed the notebook to Rampo. I watched him smile as he read it.

'Thank you for your concern, but I'm okay right now. Could I have some time alone please?'

Rampo showed the note to his colleagues, and before I knew it, they all exited quietly.
I was glad that they didn't make a fuss about it. I rested my eyes and listened to the sound of the vents, wandering away with my thoughts.
But I had one main thought on my mind,

What the fuck just happened.

1569 words
Thank you for reading! Chapter 3 will be out soon <3
As always, please tell me if you have a request or would like me to add a TW for something I haven't already