Waking up Blank [Published - sample only]

7: "What am I supposed to do now?"

I had planned on spending the whole day in my room. I just wanted to be left alone with my computer so I could mindless surf the internet. Ali had shown me a website, which according to her I frequented often in my free time, where I would pin things to fake boards so I could save them for later. It was strange, and a giant waste of time, but oddly entertaining. I could spend hours in front of the computer doing nothing, but pinning things that I had no intention of ever making or doing.

No wonder everyone was always on their phones. They could focus on this mindless entertainment rather then the world around them, at least in the virtual world no one would be able to put you in a coma.

I could feel my thoughts trying to push me into thinking of Maddie, the greater meaning of life and how death had to be a part of it, and the sadness and guilt I carried around with me even though I had no idea what happened that night. I shouldn't even feel guilty, I didn't do anything wrong, but those people after the funeral ended just made me feel awful.

I heard their whispers, saw their anger, and felt it first hand when one of them appraoched me to tell me to my face that they thought I did it. No one stood up for me, no one said anything as these few individuals came up to tell me that they were sickened by my survival. They said that I should have died, and Maddie should have lived. I didn't deserve to be alive after what I did to her according to them, but how could they know what I did if I didn't?

I remembered breaking down and crying, I couldn't recall a time when someone had said meaner things to me. Then again I didn't have much memory to recall in the first place, but I still didn't deserve those comments. I realize that they were upset by their loss, but what good would it do for them to take it out on me? Why be so rude to me, wishing I was dead, when no one knows what happened? It's not like I wanted to forget everything, or maybe I did at the time, but now I wanted nothing more than to remember.

I sighed heavily, trying to once again stop the guilt from taking over and allowing myself to wallow in the sadness that the guilt brought with it.

Drake and Andrew had to rush me from the funeral home, away from everyone else, and back to the car. Andrew had to go back to find my parents so they could take me home, but even while we waited everyone wanted to tell me what they really thought of me. Drake told me to block them out, that they were just mourning, that they didn't mean what they were saying, but he was wrong. They meant what they were saying, I could see it in their eyes, hear it in their voices. They didn't want me around, they didn't even want me alive. 

My parents didn't say anything as they shuffled our family into the car. I could se the anger etched on their faces, but they held their tongues even as we drove off and left Andrew and Drake back at the funeral.

I hadn't left my room since we got home. I came straight up here, crying my eyes out, and cried until I couldn't produce another tear. By that time was face was red and puffy, and my eyes were bloodshot. There was a small stain on my pillow from my tears, and I had to shower to get ready for bed, but there was a part of me that died that day. The part that thought everyone would believe I didn't do it, the one that believed in others. 

I felt empty now, and I didn't think anything would fill it. My friends had tried calling my phone to get me to answer, but I had refused to answer them. I wanted to say that I needed time alone, but I didn't want that either. I had enough time alone, I had so much time by myself that I was having trouble deciding what to do with myself. I needed someone to talk to, and Maddie would have been the one I went to, not the boys. I could feel it, there was something about her that made her a comfort to me when I was upset. I was alone, and it would stay that way because she was dead and gone.

"Chelsea," my mom's voice called to me from downstairs. "Drake and Andrew are here to see you. I'm sending them up."

I groaned loudly, even though she couldn't hear me, and put my tear stained pillow over my head. Maybe if I couldn't hear them talk then maybe they'd leave me alone. It only half worked, I couldn't hear them make their approach up the stairs but once they came into the room, I wasn't able to block them out.