Scribbles, Thoughts, and Doodles.

Thoughts: Your Voice.

I lie awake in bed

trying not to give in to voices in my head

trying not to listen when they say id be better off dead

but what do I do

when the voices are saying the exact same thing as you

my thoughts are filled with your outdated views

I can always hear your embarrassment, you're ashamed

and i'm confused.

why do you think you can belittle me and treat me like shit?

I needed you, I was only a kid.

you yell at me, telling me how im not enough

how disappointed you are in the person ive become

well you raised me like this, you made me like this

pushed me to my limit where I wanted my time on earth be finished

and if I was granted one wish

id tell that silly little genie to go back and make sure id never come to exist

but its all in my head, right?

just like you said, right?

I need to stop being dramatic and just get on with my life

because I have it easy, it could be so much worse

And I know I have it better than others, but that does not mean I do not hurt

because I do, and it's been like this for years

yet somehow you act as if you still have no idea

you scold me for experiencing any emotion other than joy

you call me selfish, but I can't help it, when you constantly destroy

my faith in anything I have ever believed in

including the world, God, and this monster beneath my skin.

I hate to question the Lord but why is he doing this to me? Is this what I deserve?

I have been praying, begging for a miracle, but my prayers have been left unheard.

I am scared of my desire to always be the best.

One mistake and out comes the baggage I've been trying to suppress

I ignore all of these unwanted feelings because I've been taught that they're not good

but i'm about to break, I can't pretend i'm okay, it's affecting my livelihood.

I'm hurting myself and everyone I care about.

I struggle to leave my bed, let alone go out.

My room is getting messy, I barely shower if I'm honest.

Im ruining my relationships and breaking every promise.

The promise I made to you and the promise I made to myself

to try and be better and work on my mental health

but every small inconvenience takes me back to square one

the blade pierces my skin and the damage is done.

Open your eyes dammit, look at what you've created. why cant you see.

Ive become the exact person you believed me to be.

In the beginning, i knew you were angry and I wasn't doing anything wrong

unfortunately, I slowly gave up as time went on.

Because in the beginning, I was just your punching bag, to let out your anxiety

but your words have scarred my heart and it has labelled the inside of me

Call me useless and i will agree, i was one of those hopeless kids

But don't you dare tell me I didn't try, because I really fucking did

congratulations, I suspect you are thrilled.

you have successfully had the old me killed.

I am now a stranger to everyone, myself included.

walking around with your insults stamped on my body, I stay secluded.

isolated from the world, I will never be the same.

damaged heart, wounded skin, with a dysfunctional brain.

You're the reason behind my pain and my persistent heartache.

You're the voice in my head, keeping me awake.