Sapantaha

115

Ramdam ko ang pagbigat ng dibdib at pagkabuo ng mga luha sa mga mata ko. I was re-reading his message all over again. Naka-restrict siya sa akin kaya hindi siya aware na nababasa ko ang mga sinasabi niya.

I just finished explaining to his friends. I am now in my room, trying hard not to cry. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako sumuko at piniling umamin na lang kay Clei. Ayaw ko pa naman talaga... pero ramdam kong hindi na kaya ng konsensiya ko.

The fact that the guy have a girlfriend and what am I doing is like making a way to ruin them. Hindi ako natutuwa sa pagkakalapit namin, kumikirot ang dibdib ko. Ang sakit. And that is when I decided to end it all.

May 07, 2023. Waffles isn’t anonymous anymore. Clei, Uranus, and all of his friends who knew a thing about me discovered it. At mas kumalat pa dahil sa anonymous account na tinutukoy ni Uranus.

Feels like this was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. Araw-araw kong pagsisisihan ang nagawa kong kalokohan. If I did not tolerate my risk taker attitude, I won’t be here regretting.

“Kals, libre mo ‘kong waffles!”

“Sabi na, ikaw ‘yon, e.”

“Hinahanap ka ni Uranus!”

Hindi ako sumagot at nagdire-diretso lang sa loob. Hindi ko alam kung anong magiging reaksiyon.

This was our last day as a grade 10 students. Bukas, magtatapos at magsisimula ulit kaming lahat. Graduation daw will be held tomorrow. I wasn’t planning to have a talk with him. Hindi ko na kaya.

“Galit ka?”

“Kalopsia, hindi...”

She hugged me as she smiled. Ang kinakatakot ko na hindi naman pala talaga dapat katakutan. Pero mali pa rin sa paningin ko sa kahit na anong anggulo.

“Dapat sinabi mo. Sa ‘yo pa naman ako nagkukuwento. Sana sabay tayong naging delusional.” Tumawa siya.

I just smiled. I can’t even laugh after all that happened. Nakakahiya ako. Paano ako haharap sa mga taong nakilala ko sa katauhang iyon. This was a big deal for a little risk taker like me.

“I’m so proud of you...” Clei whispered.

“Hi, Waffles!”

I just smiled. It’s his classmates greeting me nonstop whenever they saw me. That’s cute but not in the state to appreciate. We were both not showing up up to this date, our last day. May 30, 2023.

“How’s him?” Here I am, asking about him again.

“Not good but not bad. Minsan, nagtatanong siya tungkol sa ‘yo. Minsan, ayaw niyang marinig ang pangalan mo. He was acting really weird. Even Cassy can’t tame him.” Kuwento niya.

I frowned, processing. “Talaga? That’s... kind of weird nga.”

“Nami-miss ka lang no’n!”

“Clei!” Suway ko.

She sighed. “Admit it or not, you were both missing those times of being together. Kahit naman hindi kayo gano’n kalapit sa isa’t isa, alam kong kaibigan na ang turingan niyo. Uranus always found peace in you, Kalopsia.”

“Hmm?”

Why am I always hearing those words from his friends? What about those sentences?

“No one can top his admiration for you.”

Iniwan niya akong wala na naman sa sarili. Of he weren’t with Cassandra, maybe everyone who would hear it from him thinks that he like the person he is talking about.

Pero imposible gayong alam kong ako ‘yon at hindi niya naman talaga ako gusto.