life story

6th grade (mom and A)

Our new trailer that was actually going to be ours because they were going to pay it off. It was super cheap because of the condition of the house. It had been raided by the police. There was gun shot wholes in the window and walls were torn up with holes in it, i guess that's were they hid drugs and stuff. There wasn't any for bedrooms and there wasn't any doors on the cabinets either. There was no flooring and the mirrors were about to fall off the wall. The toilets where also fallen halfway in the floor so if you were to sit in it you would have fell through the trailer. We put new flooring in and ripped of the mirrors. We found doors for the cabinets and painted the color. I'm my room we out flooring in, put a ceiling fan in there and for my door i had to use a curtain because the door frame was different and there wasn't a door that would fit it. We also painted the walls for it and got a curtain for the window i had in my room. We fixed the toilets as well so we could actually use them. When we first moved in though me and my brother had to share a room for the first couple of days. we just had a mattress on the floor and a pillow and blanket. The room was very small though it was as small as a closet. Later we cleaned out a room for G and everyone had there own room and we were all settled in. The first couple of days at school though we couldn't find anything because our clothes were still in boxes. So every morning we just had to find something in a box at 5:00 AM.
At the beginning of school i went a lot but towards the middle and end i barley went because i would miss the bus or i wouldn't walk to my bus stop because i was waiting for A to drive us there because the neighborhood we lived in was a druggy neighborhood and it was very dark outside. I was always scared to walk by my neighbors house because he went to my school and i guess he had brought a gun to school and shot himself in the head. He survived though and stayed in that house which he wasn't aloud to because the house was condemned but he still stayed there and police would often show up and tell him to get going and stuff. The class he did it in is what i had for 6 period. It was history class and the bullet hole was still in the wall. Also sometimes my mom would just tell us we didn't have to go to school. At this house there was a lot more fighting. More of my mom and A physical fighting and i would have to pick up my baby brother and take him to a different room because my mom would be holding him and then put him on the ground and then they would start fighting almost falling on him. During this time my mom was never awake and was always sleeping, passed out, or in the hospital. She went to the hospital a lot because she always got sick from drinking and stuff. I was the one to parent my little brother. If my mom was ever going crazy A would take me and my little brother to his grandma's house and i would have to watch him there. It wasn't just play with him and watch him, It was feed him, burp him, put him to bed, change his diaper, play with him, calm him down when he cried, teach him how to talk and walk, everything a mom did besides breast feed. I even would wake up at every hour at night to feed him and make his formula and heat it up and the change his diaper and put on cocomelon and pray he would go back to sleep so i could get some rest. It was hard and tiring and everyone told me how i was a good mom and when i would go to the store everyone thought i was his mom. When i had to go to the doctores office with A everyone thought i was his mom as well which was a little weird because A was my moms boy friend but my mom was never awake to come to any of her sons doctor appointments when it was her fault that he had problems and had to have many surgeries because she drank while she was pregnant. One time me and A went inside the hospital while my
mom and G stayed in the waiting room when we got back they were gone and we looked around the whole hospital and parking lot later we went back in and asked if anyone has seen them they all said no and we told them to get security to look for them. It turns out that they took a city bus to my moms mom so she could get drunk with her. At this time i was also very insecure about my body. So i worked out every second i could and dropped 8 pounds in 2 weeks. I had seen every workout video on youtube and did about half of them every day. When i wasn't working out in my free time i felt guilty and started working out. My mom and brother would often walk in on me doing it and lecture me and say i was the perfect weight. Later in the year CPS had came over because someone had complained that our house was dirty and that my mom and step dad were in drugs. When they were exactly right. My step dad did coke and pot and snorted his pills and my mom drank and did pot and took pills. My step dad only did it because it was medical for his back but my mom would steal it from him and smoke it but then she started cooking her own. We thought it was our neighbor who had called because we would hangout with him a lot and he would come into our house. My mom had also made us go over to his house and ask if his parents had rolls for weed. They had came over and started asking us questions. She had said "i'm sure you know what drugs and alcohol is at this age" and i said yes and she had said "ok i know your mom had a history with alcohol how many times a week does she drink" i had said "maybe once every 2 weeks" when the real answer was once every second she was awake. Then she asked me if they acted weird on any medication and i had said no even though my step dad snorted his pills and wouldn't be able to stand up straight. I had made up so many lies and stuff and then the police checked the house and found nothing. That same lady came over i think about once a week and on that day we would have to throw away all the beer cans and hid the roller machine and weed and all there pills. I felt so alone. I was a mom in 6th grade feeding 3 because my other brother G was to lazy to make himself food. We would go to church's and get free food and we got the blessings from school that had fruit snacks and ravioli. When my mom would cook we wouldn't be able to trust her food because she would mix weird foods together or would put pills in it or something. One time she had fed us special brownies which are the edible ones. My brother had asked what was in them because they tasted funny and she said no they will make you laugh. We couldn't go to school the next morning because my brother couldn't get up because he ate alot of them. Once again i stayed home and cared for my baby i started calling him "my BABY" because that's basically what he was. He was cranky so i went to go to his room and look for his pacifier and i lifted up a towel that was on his changing table and there they were, the brownies. I had thought about what my brother said and i ate one of the brownies and yes it tasted funny and i recognized something about them. They tasted like the smell of marijuana. That's when it hit me, but, why did she be stupid and put them in my babies room she even had a knife in there and it wasn't safe he could have ate some of it or got a hold of the knife at this point i didn't even care about my self i just cared about my little brother. My mom continued to pull my hair and when she was mad at my brother the she started getting a baseball bat and bashing his TV's with it and his phones. At this point i was not phased. I had no emotion anymore. My mom started taking Xanax and over dosing on it and she would go crazy. She would walk around naked and started feeling walls and stuff as if she didn't know where she was. She had tore up her whole closet because she couldn't find them. I went to her room and i found the bottle and i held it up and i said what is this i'm going to throw it away i should have just not said anything and flush is down the toilet but she snatched it from me and said there's only one left and i'm going to take it. I wanted to die. I really wanted to kill my self. Police started showing up more often and we almost ended up in foster care several times. We would call my nana on my dads side to come pick us up because we couldn't live here anymore. She would tell us to pack our stuff up and she was going to pick us up in the morning but we would wait outside and she would text us saying she's not coming. I cried. I would cry every night debating on weather to leave or stay because who was going to take care of my baby. He would probably get sent to foster care and i would never see him again. It was so hard to make a decision i couldn't stay with all the police, drugging, taking care of a baby, abuse. I was so tired. My mom would always wake me up at like 3 AM by hitting me and asking me if i took her stuff or dumped it out or threw it away. I would say no then she would start yelling. She also would wake me up and i would ask her what and she would tell me never mind. Then we should go to my brother room and dump water on his face and ask him wear her phone was and start grabbing him and he would push her and she would fall and start screaming and crying. I was just trying to get sleep after taking care of her kids and my self and sometimes going to school and then dealing with this and all of the chances of us getting taken away, she would even tell me and scare me saying the police are going to come to your school and talk to you. I was also so sleep deprived i never got sleep ever. I one time was about to take a bite of my food and before i put it in my mouth i fell asleep like when characters in a movie are about to take a bite of there cereal and then fall asleep and there face goes in there milk. I prayed that i would get kidnapped or i would just die. Yes i wished that i would get kidnapped just because i thought it would be better than living there. Also yes i know other people had it way harder so don't come after me. I even planned to hang myself many times but i still fed into my nana saying she was going to pick us up and i wanted my little brother to have a parent. So i never tried to actually do it. My mom started to hallucinate as well. Saying there was someone in the house or she would call me her mom and start pulling my hair and i would tell her i'm not her mom and stop saying how there is people in the house that we're coming for us and she had started yelling at me telling me she hoped i would die in a hole. I used to wish she would die to. I also wished i would die. My step dad would also bother us but not as bad. I'm not sure what he did to my brother but my brother had splashed water on him and then my step dad threw him over our couch. Then my mom would come out and then everyone would start fighting and then i would just start breaking down and everyone would yell at me for crying and say how i make everything worse and stuff. That summer we had visited my nana and she had asked if we wanted to go back or if we just wanted to stay there. It was such a hard descion but me and my older brother G had said we will just stay here and we had left all of our stuff over there and just restarted.