The day had came. After all of his previous and failed suicide attempts, he has fulfilled his life by death. How did he die? I hear you ask. Well, we don't know, because he has no limbs. But after all, he was decapitated. WHICH MEANS...this wasn't a suicide but a homocide. That's right fellas, we've got a rotten murder on our hands. Who or what could've done this to the innocent (not innocent) snake that is Jeremy? What kind of monster could kill a harmless (he was very harmful) little ol snake? That's what we must find out. First, I hired a team today forensic investigators and THE Sherlock Holmes to figure it out. They looked around and saw that there wasn't any sign of breaking and entering. There wasn't really any idea of how it happened, his neck just snapped off. His body stayed upright and in place while his neck and head laid lifelessly on the ground adjacent to it. Slowly, music starts to build up. It sounds...it sounds like Vivaldi. Winter? No. Spring? No. Summer? No. Fall? No, it was The Four Seasons. It played while there was a dramatic shot zooming into Sherlock Holmes' face while he discovered the meaning behind his death. The cause. The murderer. Or did he? Well, the song continued and it made the investigators break out into a ballet dance number. They all danced gracefully around the room while Jeremy laid dead. After some time, the climax of the song began and during this, a weird sensation was rushed over the investigators...it was...undead. Just then, Jeremy was twitching, his head reconnected with his body and he began slithering upwards and started dancing with the rest of the investigators. HE WAS RIZZEN! Risen, sorry. The song ends and Jeremy looks around, he asked where he was and what happened but not even the investigators knew. It was there job but they failed. In fact, they were hoping Jeremy would have answers. Jeremy put his hand to his chin, which isn't possible because he has no limbs, and he thought. What events occurred on the night of his murder? Well for starters, it was a rainy night, actually it was a blue sky day, about noon, where Jeremy was eating lunch at a picnic table but we do t know how because he has no limbs. He was sitting very gracefully, without limbs of course, he ate and chomped and devoured his ham and cheese sandwich. But then he recalls! He was shot in the back of his mind 7095 times. No he wasn't, he made that up for cinematic effect, what actually was he saw a billboard advertising Dawn dish soap so he walked, he doesn't have limbs so he didn't walk, to the pond where the ducks were. He then dumped his life's supply of battery acid in the pond, just kidding, Jeremy is very difficult to work with in the interrogation room, he gave them seeds. He wandered around the park shortly after, then suddenly, almost immediately, soon after, after some time, eventually, he then, that's when, just then a giant dragon swooped down and grabbed him by the arm, but he doesn't have arms so we're pretty sure he was some kind of amnesia problem, and he got lifted into the sky. That's also not true, it was a hawk. So, he was flying now. He was in the air. He was so high, going so fast, he shit himself. At first the people below thought it was just another unlucky bird poop but nope it was a snake shat. That's besides the point. After his potty problemo, the hawk dropped him into the dumpster of a bakery. Oh wow it smelt delicious. Like donuts, croissants and burnt human flesh...wait what. Ok anyways, he was last in the dumpster before he remembered walking, not walking, backing to his house where he got into bed. He was laying there, he was entirely upright and not lying down whatsoever, when he felt an otherworldly pain in his neck. He slowly realized his neck was falling off. At first he thought it was his fault, his bad posture caused this but then he turned around and saw the one and only...Darth Vader. That he was not lying about. Because at first Jeremy was ready to fight but then he began making out with Darth Vader because holy shit Anakin Skywalker looks finer than anything he's ever seen before. Then he died knowing he's apart of the LGBBQ community. Now, Jeremey is on a quest to find his true love...
