Why Her?

Chapter |2|

Ruiling's pov

I opened the door to my cold apartment. The once warm apartment was now cold, the door creaked open, as if it hasn't been opened since years. The sudden air of coldness hit my face. I winced at the uncomfortable feeling, the raindrops falling down my face, the cold air, goosebumps started to creep up on me. There were no warm arms wrapping around me protecting me from the cold world outside, bringing me in the arms of warmth and love.

I dropped the keys on the side shelf, taking off my shoes. I walked into my bedroom, the bed as it was last time I slept on it. The blankets cold without anyone to sleep in for five days. I took off my hoodie, my sweats, panties and then my bra, careful of the gauze around my shoulder. I threw them in the laundry basket, reminding myself to wash them later. I walked towards my bed, plugged in my phone with a battery and strolled towards the shower.

The headache was taking a toll on me, making me dizzy and turning my surroundings into a haze. I stood in front of my mirror, looking at my messy state. Dark circles under my eyes, hair greasy, body coloured with bruises and cheeks sunken. I looked at the side shelf, opening it and taking out a bottle of painkillers, wishing to just numb the pain.

Throwing in four pills at the same time, I drank the tap water. Two pills getting stuck in my throat made me cough up but swallowed it forcefully, making my throat burn with pain. But it was nothing compared to the void in my heart. I looked up at myself again.

You look pathetic. I thought while I tched at myself.

I walked up to the shower, turning the heat setter to the max. I stepped in, the hot water draped my skin like fire, making me wince again, but it soon turned into a numb warmth that had every part of my body latching onto the hazy feeling. I placed one hand on the tiled wall and brought the other over my face to take the hair out of my face.

Everything was a fucking mess.

The lump in my throat grew as I thought about how I could've saved her that night, if I didn't let her go to the library. It would've been fucking great if I had tagged along. It would turn out to be our date but I didn't because I was out there killing away someone's life. If I hadn't let her go alone, she would be with me in my arms happy and alive, she would've been with me in shower right now taking care of me.

I placed down my head on the tiled wall feeling the dizzy feeling increase every second, weakening me like poison. I turned around and slid down the wall, bringing my knees to my chest, hands making a small cocoon around myself. The water above fell on me mercilessly, burning the skin around my shoulder, the gauze was already wet by now.

I tried to surpass the feeling of screaming, the urge was strong and it was bubbling up to me like lava in a volcano, then it burst. I had to bite down on my knee, using as a leverage to muffle the screams. My nails digging into my legs, marks already forming. The sobs wracked through my whole body, weakening me. The fatigue soon started from toes till the tip of my head, making my breathes unsteady. It was increasing up to my body. I slid down from my foetus position, as I laid down on the tiled floor.

I took deep breaths just like how she would tell me to calm down. Her soft voice still rang in my head like a broken radio.

"Hey hey, I am with you, calm down. You just need to steady your breaths, okay?-" she assured while tucking my hair behind my ears, as she took my face in her hands and her green eyes looked at me with such care that I would melt on the spot, "-c'mon breathe with me, breathe in.........breathe out. C'mon deep breathes, rue." she tried to calm me down while taking deep breathes herself.