The remnants of Grace Brennan

10| Redemption

New York City, 27 August 2017

Victor lay staring at the dark ceiling above him in the early morning hours, sleep was a commodity that was rare in his line of work. He looked over at Grace as she slept, her breathing was shallow, a few drops of sweat coated her forehead, and tears leaked from her eyes. He could tell by her pained expression that she was having a nightmare. Probably the biggest contributing factor to the dark rings under her eyes, he wished Sergio would have said something. It only took a moment until she shot straight up, gasping as if she were suffocating mere moments ago. She buried her head in her hands as she tried to control her heart which beat rapidly in the confinement of her chest.

"Grace?" Victor said softly

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you" her voice come out muffled from the position of her head in her hands.

"I wasn't asleep" He admitted "How long have you been having nightmares for?" He asked

"Uhm..." Grace swallowed nervously before looking at him "since Frank"

Victor nodded, silently absorbing her answer. Over two months "every night?" Victor asked

"Yes" She mumbled

"Do you want to talk about it?" Victor asked rubbing his fingers along her lower back

"Not really" Grace answered honestly, enjoying the sense of calm his touch brought.

"Come," He said gently, opening his arms for her to lay her head on his chest, an invitation she fully accepted with a slight blush, she laid her head down on Victor's chest listening to his quiet heartbeat.

Victor couldn't but enjoy the comfort it brought him, holding her in his arms. She felt like home.

"Do you regret marrying me?" Grace asked quickly

"Absolutely not." Victor looked down at her "Do you regret marrying me?"

"No" Grace shook her head "I find it hard to believe sometimes but I don't regret it."

"Why do you ask?" Victor wondered

"I've brought you nothing but trouble" She sighed.

Victor rolled over so that Grace was on her back, supporting his weight on his elbow, his green eyes looked into her brown ones that were glossed over with unshed tears.

"You have only brought me happiness and redemption." He said, his emerald orbs holding nothing but honesty.

"Redemption?" She whispered, the lump in her throat making it harder to talk without breaking out into sobs.

"I am not a good man Grace," Victor started, "I've done horrible, unspeakable things. If there is a hell, I know I'm damned. I used to think there is no part of me worth saving but then you came along. I can't be a good man but I can be a good husband and good father one day. A better father than mine was." Grace couldn't keep the tears at bay as Victor continued "That's the only part of me worth saving. You occupy the only good part of my soul."

"But I'm not good" Grace cried "I killed Frank" her voice broke at his name. "I didn't need to kill him" She sobbed "Bullets were flying everywhere, it's more than likely that he would have ended up dead. I chose to kill him, it wasn't self-defense or any of that bullshit. I had a choice at that moment and I decided to kill him"

"Perhaps you didn't have to but that doesn't mean he didn't deserve it Grace," Victor said wiping her tears with the pads of his thumb "If you're worried about it being morally permissible the answer is yes. If you hadn't killed him, I would have. Either way, he would have died." 

"Does it get easier?" She asked

"Killing someone?"  Victor asked placing a soft kiss on her cheek as she nodded 

"No" Victor sighed laying back down "It's never easy, the guilt you're feeling now never goes away no matter how many people you kill" 

"How do you do it then?" 

"I've learned to shut it out, turn it off along with many other emotions. My lust for power is stronger than my moral compass." He admitted. "I am after all a product of my father's creation, his need for power was his downfall. It will be mine as well."

They lay in silence for a while, each of them wrapped up in their own thoughts, Grace wondering if she would ever be rid of the guilt and Victor thinking of all the ways he would be a better father than his own. 

"Victor, where are Debbie and Owen?" She asked worried for her siblings 

"They're staying with Gloria in Italy, Vincent is there too" He answered deliberately leaving out the part about Owen joining the mafia. 

"Are they doing okay?" She asked 

"They're perfectly fine tesoro. Vincent and Debbie are going to find out the gender of their baby later today" 

"Oh," Grace said half-heartedly 

"You're not happy for them?" Victor asked questioning her tone 

"No, I am, I just wish I could have been with her" Grace clarified "Vincent seemed so excited when he was here." 

"He is excited, I haven't seen him like this since we were kids and he found a stray cat while we were walking home from school" Victor smiled at the memory. 

"You had a cat?" Grace asked surprised with a smile on her face. 

"Si, not for very long though. Vincent named it Toby" Victor shook his head remembering how excited Vincent was, he loved that cat. 

"What happened to it?" Grace asked 

"My father killed it" Victor sighed "He heard Vincent telling Gloria about how much he loved it and when Vincent asked me if I loved it, I said yes because I didn't want to see him upset. My father didn't like that so he killed Toby, and broke its neck with his bare hands. Vincent was devastated" 

"That's horrible, why would he do that?" Grace asked feeling sad for the younger versions of the Bernardi brothers. 

"To teach us a lesson, that love had no place in the lives we had." 

"How old were you?" Grace asked 

"I was ten, Vincent was eight" 

Grace swallowed hard, her childhood had not been an easy one but she believed that Victor and Vincent might have had it worse. Despite the money they grew up with and no child had to experience the things they did. "I'm sorry," She said softly 

"It was just a cat tesoro, it definitely wasn't the worst thing he'd done," Victor said rubbing circles on her back. 

"Was he right?" She asked, "Does love have no place in your life?"

Victor was silent as he mulled over her question, he loved her even though he couldn't say it. He didn't know what love was but he knew he felt it for Grace.

"No" he finally answered "My father was completely wrong about that."