Colona

Party Bus Fun and Cuts

Once I got on the bus, I immediately sat down. The bus was crowded, and though it was dark, the bright lights on the sides illuminated the small space. There was a pole in the dead center of the bus, right near where I sat. All of the friends that I had when I first got to Colona sat in the back, while I sat by Allie, Joey, and Jordyn. I was glad though. I didn't want to get stuck with people I hate, and I don't want to be stuck with people I don't belong with. Plus, Joey and Allie are fun to be around, I'm not too sure about Jordyn though.

"Are you excited?" Allie asked, sitting beside me.

"No, I'm actually really nervous." I said, laughing softly, as if it were a joke. But it wasn't. I was nervous that I would sit here, alone, and hate every moment I'm on this bus. I was nervous that I was going to be stuck in the back with the people who hate me, and the people I don't belong with.

"There's no need. Tonight's going to be fun, loosen up!" Allie said. "You need to stop being you until after midnight."

"Ill try." That's my problem, I don't know how not to be myself, even for an hour. I'm shy, and a mutterseelenallein. I don't know how to not be sad. It's all I've ever known.

But once the music started, and I was pulled from my seat by an old friend of mine, I became somebody else. I was having fun for the first time in my 8th grade year.

I wish my whole life could have been like that night, but I knew it would take a miracle for that wish to come true. Because that day has passed, and I am now sat at home on my laptop, writing a brief summary of my feelings from that night. That night didn't last forever like I had hoped, and I was disappointed when I got home that night. Because I knew everyone else was on Kik, Snapchat, or simply texting one of their friends, either about that night or about something different. And I had no one. No one to talk to, no one to speak with. Hell, there was no one the nights that I needed someone the most.

So, for the next few hours, I cried, slicing away at my skin with a small razor blade I pulled out of a pencil sharpener.

No one wanted me.

No one thought I was good enough.

I wasn't what they waned.

I had pushed those thoughts into the back of my mind, begging that they weren't true. But that night, I had snapped. I was done being naïve, thinking that there was someone out there that cared for me. I was done being so clueless.

I was unwanted, and I needed to accept that.