Colona

Nothing...

Here's the thing. I know I started out documenting my life in Colona with long, well-developed paragraphs and various sentences to describe my feelings. But as I went on writing the chapters for each book and noting important sentences my peers had said, I realized that none of this matters. None of the people I associated myself with ever truly care for my well-being, and some of them still don't. I was, and still am, nothing to them. 

In this realization, I noticed that it was all because of who they were and how they acted around me than how I treated them. I am quiet, and I have at least several mental panic attacks simply speaking with my best friend. But I listened. I always paid attention to what my peers were saying and how they felt about that topic, but they never did the same for me. When I started my emotional downhill spiral, and people started to notice, they thought I was doing it for attention. Hell, my father still thinks I'm doing it for attention. But I have come to realize that the flaws were not in me, the feelings and hardships I created were not all my fault, some of them came naturally. 

I'm afraid of my father, but for good reason. And everyone feels I'm being irrational except my mother, because she has been through what I witnessed. Every time I'm over there, I break down at some point. Ad not even all of what I am documenting now, almost a year after my graduation is past tense. I have always felt this way about my father, about ,my peers, and about myself. I am not blaming my peers for their actions and how they affected me, I'm blaming myself. But for all that I've been through, I realized it's okay for me to be afraid of my father and still want to spend time with him and be apart of his life. I've realized that I am not the problem when people don't like me or realize that I am not the person they really want. It's not my fault that I have a mental illness. But it is my fault for the way I handled it. 

So, as I continue to document the last few important parts of my Colona experience, I hope that you understand that I am not writing this for attention to make people feel sorry for me. I am writing this to tell a small section of my story, and how I overcame the things that were destroying me. 

I am writing this because it is apart of me that no one understands. A part of me that so many were there to witness, but no one was there to help me through. I am writing this because putting the things I have always wanted to say, are so much easier to do hidden behind a pen or a computer screen. 

(THIS IS A CHAPTER BTW IT"S SHORT BUT IT COUNTS)