im sick in the head and i can't fix myself

distance

it's hard for me to get close to people. actually it's not physically hard. it's emotionally hard.

i could know someone for years, hang out with them everyday and know almost everything about them, but they'd barely know me. why?

because it's hard to give myself to people. it's hard to let people in. im not saying im antisocial. when I talk, I tend to talk a lot. i think the part that's hard for me is talking about myself.

a lot of who i am isn't pretty. i don't think anything I have to say is relevant. when I do try to talk about myself it's always some random fact that had nothing to do with the conversation prior. and i express my life and everything I've been through with the highest degree of monotone.

distance helps me separate people knowing me from me hurting myself and hurting others. i like it because i Can see someone everyday but that little distance i create between us will allow us to be cordial. it will allow us to have a somewhat decent relationship.

but even then, i tend to break those decent relationships anyway.

i didn't mean to.

i feel threatened when someone knows me too much. it's almost like a mock to my face. because i barely know myself. i can tell you what i did, and i can tell you what i said but i cant tell you why.

i never know why.

i don't know if it's because im somewhat impulsive... or reckless. but the more I get older. the more i realize im safer without anyone near. im safer to my environment when im alone. im not a threat to anyone's peace of mind when I stay to myself, and so I stay to myself.

it's a sad thought to die alone. but eventually, everyone dies alone, even if you die whilst your partner's holding your hand. you'll transition out of this work alone. and to prepare for that, you practice distance.

i think distance can be a good thing. and no not that "i think we need a break" type of distance when you relationship isn't working out. i mean that i know how I can hurt you and so i wont allow myself to get too close because i care about you so much not to want to hurt you.

but ofcourse you can't always control what people do. you can only control your actions. and so when people do push boundaries. when people take a mile instead of inches. im the bad guy.

i wont victimize myself for hurting people. but i think there's a certain clarity in distance. it's like a line between you and another person. it can be curved. it can be broken into small bits.

im no expert but i think everyone can see that line. and that line looks different for everyone in our lives

and yet, some people still manage to alter those lines. in a way, it's necessary.. at times. but if social cues is a thing, i think it's pretty blatant when a person's line doesn't want to be altered.

but enough of me talking, i don't want you to get too close....