im sick in the head and i can't fix myself

pain

i know it does many things. it gives u thoughts.  crazy thoughts. it makes you hurt people. some people don't deserve to be hurt.

but hurt is good because it makes you feel good even though you know it's not morally right.

i don't like to think about hurting people when i hurt people. i like to think of it as sharing pain. i transfer my hurt, my twisted heart, the big black cloud that hovers over me. im kind enough to share that pain so the people around me can feel it too, directly and indirectly.

and the pain only gets worse. it's like a domino effect. i hurt someone and that inertly hurts someone else. i didn't mean to

im at a point now where im not feeling pain anymore.

i am pain. pain is me.

i am the walking definition of the trauma that i've allowed to fester within me. im the living proof of the evil, the spite, the selfishness, the ugly, the jealousy, the darkness, the karma, that has constantly and repeatedly bashed me over and over and over again.

normally when people get karma they learn and grow from it. they accept that what you give is what you get and a normal person in an ideal world will say "im going to change for the better" a normal person would say "this is not who i want to be and this is what i need to do to not be that person anymore"

but what about the people that aren't normal.

what happens to us then?

sometimes pain tells me that it's ok to be the villain in someone else's story. everyone can't be superheroes, it says.

pain reminds me that we're all pretending to be good. just because we do good doesn't make us good people.

pain tells me that fate is irreversible.

pain tells me that man is born in sin. and therefore will die in sin.

when there's pain, nothing else seems to matter. it's safer to acknowledge the hurt and confide in it than mold it into something "learnable"

pain is ugly.

i've been through my fair share of pain. i've shared my fair share of pain onto others. it's an ugly trade off. especially when the person you are giving this pain to is hoping to get love eventually. never trust pain.

pain is unforgiving. it will eat you up as soon as you get a taste of it. it's a disease that will never stop growing. it's a virus that will never stop spreading. the only options you have is to care for it. acknowledge it's presence. let others know your pain so their more cautious of it. then the other option is feeding it. giving pain what it wants. the catalyst for its destruction.

regardless of what you choose to do with your pain. it will never stop. it will never be fully tamed. it will never be fully hidden. it's a permanent scar that taints your innocence undeniably and unapologetically.

we may know pain but we'll never truly know pain until it's consumed us whole.

**an experimental project>>like for more content**